I just recieved a letter from specsavers saying its been 4 years since i last had my eyes checked and i need to make an appointment as soon as possible.
I cant see it happening.

My senile mate keeps knocking on his own front door, Then going round the back to answer it. Don't think he knows what his letting himself in for.

Just got back from a bakers funeral.
Flour's everywhere.

I've made a Twitter account due to popular demand.
It's mostly me, demanding to become popular.

How often do i like jokes about Chemistry?
Periodically.

To be honest, you must always tell the truth.

I went to see a medium yesterday.
It was pretty average, although I feel mean saying that.

Doctor: "How are you feeling today?"
Patient: "With my hands mainly, same as yesterday."

My girlfriend dumped me because of my addiction to Monopoly
I begged her to give me another chance...

I ate a Shepherd's Pie today.
He was clearly not amused.

The Ventriloquists' Guild have responded with positive reviews for my new book "CPR for Dummies."

Which way do you turn the key to open a genuine Queen Anne dresser?
Antique-lock wise.

A man approached me in the bookies and whispered. "Listen, I can give you a bit of inside information for a small fee"
I said, "Really, how much?"
He said, "Twenty quid should do it"
I handed over the money and he said, "The UK's prison population is approximately 90.000"

How do I convince people I'm not black? Whenever I try to hook up with a girl they say they think of me like a brother.

I. O. U. A. vowel

Times are hard for plumbers, I had to take a job refitting Ronnie Corbett's bathroom.
I never thought I'd sink that low.

BBC News: "How to spot British ladybirds."
What you need:
A fine tipped paintbrush
Black acrylic paint

Every Monday morning I walk past twin pensioners in the park.
Same old same old.

I was walking down the street the other day, and a guy beckoned me over to him. When I got there he said "I'm sorry, I thought you were someone else."
I said, "I was."

I saw a sign outside our town hall that said Today - Bring and Bi Sale.
I went in because I'm curious.

When I found out my wife was cheating on me with a clown, I drowned him in a vat of grease paint remover.
That wiped the smile off his face.

I hate people that use over-commonly phrases wrong.
Just to be on the safe side.

I'm a kleptomaniac and my favourite pop group is Take That,
and that, and this, and those and .............

I've started drinking a new drink, it's called Abrahams, sorry Mountain Jew.

What kind of ape can you cook bacon on?
G'rilla