Wordplay Joke

I did some research the other day into whether private or public schools were better.
It wasn't comprehensive.

Wordplay Joke

Garden sheds are for tools.

Wordplay Joke

BBC News: "Scots 'drink a quarter more alcohol' than other Brits".
So?
Bernard Matthew's eat more chicken
Uncles named Ben eat more rice
and Victoria's eat more sponge cake

Wordplay Joke

My wife is in a band called 'Golden Showers.'
She's had more number one hits than Madonna.

Wordplay Joke

I'm not usually a sceptic, but little Raja walking 8 miles a day to the well for water?
Sounds a bit too far fetched to me.

Wordplay Joke

A dyslexic chairman wanted an alphabetical football club, so he created one.
And that is how QPR were formed.

Wordplay Joke

I threw out all my old calendars..
It`s taken years off me...

Wordplay Joke

I reversed a Toyota yesterday.
Ended up where I started.

Wordplay Joke

I'm the kinda guy that just bends over and takes it no matter whose it is.
I love finding money on the floor.

Wordplay Joke

In my spare time, I poison cakes and leave them on the bird table. That way, I sometimes kill two birds with one scone.

Wordplay Joke

My Girlfriend says I'm incapable of keeping good hygiene.
I'll show'er.

Wordplay Joke

My wife made a cutting remark.
"You've stabbed me".

Wordplay Joke

I like to call it sun stroke
The judge likes to call it molestation

Wordplay Joke

Did you hear about the guy who got his whole left side cut off?
He's dead.

Wordplay Joke

I was 3/4 of the way through reading the dictionary when I lost my page.
I've decided to start from scratch.

Wordplay Joke

I accidentally mistook Clearasil for toothpaste; my teeth are spotless.

Wordplay Joke

I call my wife "The Bottle".
She keeps wine in.

Wordplay Joke

i live in a two story house. well three but thats another story

Wordplay Joke

Someone smashed my mates face in last night with a boat paddle.
It must have been a terrible oar deal.

Wordplay Joke

A distant relative of my mother's has had more than ten abortions, so I have at least ten cousins once removed.

Wordplay Joke

Teenagers with acne are 60% more likely to suffer from depression,
This is important, its not easy to spot.

Wordplay Joke

I just found out that my uncle who lives in Australia has died.
It's ok though, we weren't close.

Wordplay Joke

I like to keep a sundial in my back garden.
Just for old times sake.

Wordplay Joke

A man on the TV is complaining because he hasn't slept for 3 months.
Why would anyone want to sleep for 3 months?

Wordplay Joke

Thank you Amy Winehouse for bringing a new word to my vocabulary.
'How was last night, mate?
'I got absolutely misadventured!'