Wordplay Joke

The original Windows Explorer was just a telescope.

Wordplay Joke

I stood on the wrong side of a fan today.
It sucked.

Wordplay Joke

Since buying a reptile, loads of guys have congregated in my garden.
My Milk Snake brings all the boys to the yard.

Wordplay Joke

I was arrested by the police yesterday. They said they had a dossier on me.
I thought why a French tramp?

Wordplay Joke

My girlfriend's easy going.
She has irritable bowels.

Wordplay Joke

I felt this girl's left breast the other day.
She was disgusted, but at least I knew her heart was in the right place.

Wordplay Joke

Me and my mum have just invented a new type of super glue together.
We have a unique bond.

Wordplay Joke

I went into a Chinese takeaway.
The man behind the counter said, "What can I get you?"
I said, "Duck!".
And that's when it hit him.

Wordplay Joke

BBC: DR Congo boat sinking kills 140
Serves him right for having a floating surgery if you ask me...

Wordplay Joke

I've just been for a meal with the wife, Just before leaving she said " Don't forget to tip the waitress".
Great minds think alike.

Wordplay Joke

A couple of Irish builders have recently moved in next door to me and all I ever hear them say is "Wheelbarrow this" and "wheelbarrow that",.
I wouldn't normally mind, but the last time I lent a pikey something he never gave it back.

Wordplay Joke

I overheard my wife on the phone telling a friend that she was craving a bit of rough.
I just can't wait to see her happy little face when she finds out I've booked us in for a week at the old course at St. Andrews.

Wordplay Joke

I accidentally ran over a Paki today. I was pulled up at the traffic lights and he was crossing the road when my selective colour blindness kicked in again.

Wordplay Joke

Drag racing.
The quickest way to develop lung cancer.

Wordplay Joke

I said to my mate, "I'm going to get some steak for the dinner tonight."
He said, "Butcher?"
I said, in a lower voice, "I'm going to get some steak for the dinner tonight."

Wordplay Joke

I love acoustics, they're sound.

Wordplay Joke

Pulled a hamstring earlier.
Cheese string was furious.

Wordplay Joke

My wife's a bit like the national lottery.
Everyone has a chance, for a pound.

Wordplay Joke

It was about this time last year that I resolved never to smoke marijuana again. I wouldn't have been able to get through such a trying time if it wasn't for my crystal meths.
It's been my rock.

Wordplay Joke

I asked some girl I pulled last night how she liked her eggs in the morning and she replied "fried, not fertilised".
So I set fire to her flat before leaving the next day.

Wordplay Joke

"Seasonings greetings from the India Salt & Pepper society."

Wordplay Joke

My car broke down earlier.
It was the first time I'd seen it cry.

Wordplay Joke

I saw my neighbour eating some food out of a bin the other day so I shouted across the road, 'Hygiene!'
'Hi there!', replied Mr. Hackman.

Wordplay Joke

Did you hear about the two dyslexics who were arrested for throwing black people from the top of Niagra Falls?

Wordplay Joke

I was looking for a new job today and came across a really well paid one as a human hat stand.
Not much job security though, you can lose your job at the drop of a hat.