My wife said I'm addicted to comic book guy
Worst. Accusation. Ever.

I asked my Magic 8-Ball which email program would it recommend. "Outlook not so good" it said. Thanks, 8 Ball!

I have a fantastic memory.
In fact, I can't remember the last time I forgot something.

After that boy cried wolf I bet all of the village paedophiles were lining up.

Before we split up, my wife was obsessed with horoscopes.
I'm sure that's what Taurus apart.

I bought a belt made entirely from five pound notes.
It was a waist of money.

For Sale:
Grandfather clock - only one part missing.
Second hand.

The definition of irony....
The drink of choice of the homeless being called Tennants.

Hi my name is Tomimem
The 'mime' is silent

It's National Pasta Day!
So I've heard from my sauces.

When it comes to making money, I've got to hand it to my wife.
All of it.

All of my clothes come with a "Warning: may contain nudity" tag.

What did the number 0 say to the number 8?
Wow, nice belt

So Gordon Brown and David Cameron have something in common...this year, they've both lost a Sun.

My wife asked me to fix a plug for her this morning.
I refused.

Are they ever going to find out if its maybelline or not?

I can't believe Laura Robson has been knocked out of Wimbledon, before I even had a chance to knock one out over Laura.

I'm addicted to rehab....
But where do I go?

What's the trouble with BNP football team?
They're all right wings.

If it hurts when you pee, urine trouble.

I used to work at Tesco in the fabric softener aisle but I've just moved to wines and spirits.
I'm out of my comfort zone.

My girlfriend was furious when she came home to find two naked women, covered in edible body paint and tied to our bed.
I don't know what her problem is, she said that she liked chocolatey Claires.

How subtle is the b in subtle?

My grandma has been given the dreadful news that she's suffering from colon cancer and will need surgery to remove part of her bowel.
On a positive note, she'll still have a semi-colon.

My friend asked me to rewire his house.
Now there's an offer I can't refuse.