Someone once asked me how long I'd been a roadie.
I said, "One, Two... One, Two, Three years now"

When I'm around my wife's family, it is like being in The Wizard of Oz.
Her dad doesn't have a heart, her mum doesn't have a brain and I don't have the courage to kill them.

You know you're lazy when you've been unemployed for 5 months and have only just signed on.

A word to retired people:
When you go back to your old place of work and people say, "What a surprise!" they don't mean they're pleased to see you, they mean they're surprised you're not dead yet.

Johnny was a lumberjack who'd just managed to land a high paying job out in the middle of nowhere. It was great pay, but it meant he was away from any female contact for 9 months at a time. So, after the first month, Johnny's starting to get restless, and goes to one of the veteran lumberjacks about the issue, who tells him all the regular guys use the "magic tree" around the back.
Now Johnny doesn't quite like the idea of sticking his member in such a rough wooden thing, so decides to ask around the other guys about how it works. He gets reply after reply telling him that it'll hurt for one whole week but the rest of it's worth it. Johnny decides to take the plunge. He looks around the back and finds the tree, with its little hole in the trunk. Miraculously, it doesn't hurt at all! In fact, Johnny gets quite satisfied and comes back night after night for the next few weeks.
Until one day when the magic from the tree is gone and he just can't get his rocks off. He takes the issue up with the veteran lumberjack to see what's going on: "So, I was wondering about that tree. It isn't exactly working any more, reckon I've been overusing it recently?" "Oh no, I guess it's just your turn inside this week"

I used to be a History teacher.
But thats all in the past now.

After my walk from pole to pole i thought to myself,
"i should employ more british workers"

I quit my job at Nike today.
My boss asked me to redesign the ball to make it more edgy.

I've spent the last 2 hours confronted by armed police officers and with dozens of response vehicles parked outside.
I'm glad that I only work part-time in the police canteen.

"Boss, you have to raise my salary"
"And why is that?"
"Three other companies are interested in me already!"
"Oh, which ones?"
"BT, British Gas, and Thames Water"

My boss said I'm just like a son to him.
I thought it was a very nice thing to say, until he added, "You're lazy, disrespectful and always asking me for more money."

There's nothing wrong with sleeping naked.
I've just gotta stop having a nap on the train to work.

After losing three jobs in a row, my mate Steve said to me,
"I'm never letting you babysit my children again"

I've got my work cut out for me tomorrow.
It's in the fridge.
I'm a butcher.

After 30 years of working as a plumber I started a new job today, plumbing.

I got sacked today for being 'drunk at the workplace.'
I think I was misunderstood when I said I was "wasted doing this job."

I was working at a mine the other day when I asked the manager whether I should put the Iron or Steel in the smelter.
"It doesn't matter." He replied, "Either ore."

Some people say that Jobseekers are just lazy but when I handed out application forms out down the Cardiff Job Centre every single one was filled in and returned to me within 2 days.
Of course we can't offer every applicant the chance to appear on the Jeremy Kyle show.

My boss had just given me a big raise on account of my improved productivity in the last week.
Thanks Sickipedia v3.

I've decided to get a job at Broadmoor.
I'm just looking for something with a little more security.

Whats the difference between working at Aldi and working at McDonald's?
A degree.

I lost my job today.
Apparently telling my boss that it was 'my time of the month' and that i was 'manstruating' wasn't the best excuse i could have come up with.

I love my job.
I get to sleep on the minibus, than I take breaks whenever I want to drink tea and get stoned. Better than that, I do hardly any work.
If only real work was as good as community service.

I opened a small accountancy practice which I named 'Counts'.
Business was pretty poor until I realised that the 'o' had fallen off the sign outside the office.

This site was banned from all the computers at work today. The Boss said that it was because of the level of adult content published on the site.... I think that's ironic as about 90% of the content is child related.