Something's telling me I shouldn't have wore this diving gear to work today.
I think it's my boss, but I really can't tell through the mask.

Manager: Remember, there's no I in team ...
Employee: Yeah and there's no F in point.

I said to my doctor, "Doctor, as soon as I fall asleep I start snoring."
He asked, "Is it loud?" I replied, "Very."
He said, "Does it bother your wife?" I replied, "I'm not married."
"Then what's the problem?" he asked.
"I've lost jobs because of it." I replied.

I wanted to be a politician and give power to the people.
But the nearest I could get was to be an electrician.

Got a new job at Mcdonalds the other day. It's hard work and the hours are long the pay isn't much better either, but i'm being paid for doing what i love most. Spitting in peoples burgers and spreading the joy of AIDS.

I turned up to my first day of work at a local restaurant. I walked up to a chef and said, 'Hey, it's my first day. What should I do first?'
'Wait a second' he replied.
Shortest shift ever.

I love work. It fascinates me. I can sit and stare at it for hours...

I saw a wanted add in my local paper for van drivers/delivery drivers.
The add stated "must be White and less than 5 years old."
Sick racist peadophiles.

What is the easiest job in the world?
A midget career advisor.

I got the afternoon off work today.
My time management course was cancelled at the last minute because our tutor was double booked.

First the Postmen go on strike, now the Firemen. Who's next? Best not be the Milkmen as I am NOT going back to drinking my grandma's breast milk again.

When at the end of a job interview and they ask if you have any questions, apparently 'Where is the nearest petrol station? my orange light is on' isn't quite what they are looking for.

Doing nothing is very hard to do,
you never know when you are finished.

I was late for work this morning, then my boss said, "You'd better have a good excuse as to why you are late this morning."
I said, "Well I had a dream that I was playing football."
He said, "And then?"
I replied, "Then it went on to extra time."

Discovered today that playing dead only comes in handy when face to face with a bear, and NOT at important business meetings.

during a random drugs test i got asked "have you consumed alcohol in the past 24 hours?"
as i look back on it now i realise "what day is it?" probably wasn't the best answer

What a terrible morning at work.
I had to do some.

I thought my interview for the local lifeguard job went well,so imagine my shock when I received the phone call to say I had not been successful.
"Can I just ask why I didnt get it?" I asked in an annoyed voice.
"Well,you came across really well,but your attire left a lot to be desired" the snooty bloke replied.
"Oh,so its the way I look,thats a form of racsim" I started, "Its not easy being unemployed,we cant all dress at M and S,so what exactly was the problem Mr big shot" I demanded.
"It was the rubber ring and armbands to be honest" he replied.

I had a fight with a bricklayer earlier.....
I levelled him.

I didn't fix the safety guard on the bandsaw and one of my employees had a rather nasty accident.
It cost us both an arm and a leg.

I hate having to fill in the 'Hobbies' section on my CV. It makes me sound like a 12 year old boy. I think it's stopping me getting a job.
"What would you describe as your hobbies and interests?"
Football
Movies
12 year old girls

Finally, my Plumbing business is getting really busy...
It's all cisterns go.

A colleague at work told me that if I wanted swift promotion, I should "brown nose the boss."
I don't see how farting in his face will achieve anything.

Heskey is like the tech guy at a work night out...
Never going to score, but still goes just to show face.

I always get aroused after showers.
In fact, they're the main reason I teach P.E.