I got caught sunbathing in work today.
Boy is my face red.

I was looking for a new employee at the workplace. So I interviewed this very attractive woman.
I said, "So what salary are you expecting?"
She said, "10,000."
I was surprised and said, "My pleasure."
She then said, "For your pleasure it's 25,000."

I just got a job as the handyman at the local sperm bank.

Today I saw a sign that said 'Hand Car Wash'.
I thought I'd give it a try because the last guys who used their feet were pretty useless.

My son's just come home after a tough, grueling month at a bootcamp.
He didn't realise how hard it is training to be a cobbler.

My wife is getting hen-pecked.
I keep her locked in the chicken coup

I was at a job interview last week when I was asked, "Where do you see yourself in five years time?"
I don't think, "About halfway through my 10 year plan," was the answer he was expecting...

Yesterday i told my mate i work in the secret service.
Today i got fired.

Exam results day today, people crying and others dropping out.
Me? I couldn't be happier, my results spelt F U D G E.

I was trying and failing to do my Maths coursework today
I had to use a matrix to solve an equation, but there was just no use. I knew I shouldn't have taken the blue pill last night

I was watching David Cameron's moving speech about how we need to cut spending and benefits to help prevent fraud and increase the work rate of the country, and how this would lead to a decrease in the effects of the recession, and it really made me think about how small his face is.

I've found a way to make the day go a little faster in my job as a telephone operative.
When I answer the phone I say "Did you do it? Is she dead?!"

I just got myself a new job, basically my role is to show schoolkids what a life of taking drugs and getting involved in petty crime leads to.
I think it's better known as a caretaker.

We have a tradition at our factory where any new apprentice is stripped naked and held down whilst their body is smothered in used engine oil.
It's probably outdated in this day and age, but it's just a bit of harmless fun really, and the majority of apprentices take it in good faith. Except Sarah.

My boss called me into his office "why do i hear you talking when there is still work to be done" he shouted
i said "because you have ears"

I wonder if aspiring hairdressers pretend to brush their hair with a microphone in front of a mirror?

Girls who sleep their way to the top are screwed up.

Work: an alternate reality where the ordinary laws of evolution are suspended, and survival of the fittest means that professional weasels can become the dominant species.

An electrician is interviewing for a construction job.
"Can you roll your hard hat down your arm and make it pop back on your head?" the supervisor asks.
"Sure," he replies, confused.
"Can you bounce your screwdriver off the concrete, spin in a circle and catch it in your tool pouch?"
"Yes, sir," he answers excitedly.
"And can you quick-draw your wire stripper, twirl it and slip it into your pouch like it's a holster?"
"I've been doing that for years!"
"In that case, I can't use you," the boss says. "I've got 15 blokes doing that now."

Can you go chav-hunting for your D of E? It's a community service, right?

I've done many different jobs in my time.
After dinner speaker, postman, midwife. I got sacked from all of them.
Maybe I need to accept that I'm just no good at delivering things.

Afternoons really drag working in this Jewellers Shop.
It seems like it's been 10 to 2 for ever!

I've recently got a job in the elevator industry.
I'm going right to the top

Today I woke up with this overwhelming feeling to go to work and have a really productive day.
I forced myself back to bed and thank God it went away.

I'm going out on the pull tonight.
Just started my own rickshaw business.