Wildlife cameramen seem to be very unlucky.
They only ever seem to be able to find Meerkats that are watching tennis matches.
Do you remember the old PG Tips adverts? I've thought about how amusing it would be if they got monkeys to dress up in rappers' clothes and "bling" and "rap" in rap music videos...
I've just bought a load of giant African land snails. I don't want to breed them or anything, I just want to dot them round the garden so the resident hedgehogs think they're in the middle of a wonderful dream.
Whenever I went gambling I always took my lucky goldfish.
He would swim around in his little bowl whilst I gambled.
He died today so I held a small funeral.
Nothing special, I just wrapped him in newspaper with some chips.
My mate got killed by a quadrapalegic last night.
I warned him not to pick a fight with a Boa Constrictor.
"Come on, I'll help you out of the water. You'll drown otherwise," said the friendly elephant as it placed the fish safely on the tree.
There isn't room to swing a cat in here.
Guess i'll go outside and play.
In recent studies, Shih Tzu dogs are the most likely to attack a person.
Maybe if we stopped calling them Shih Tzu's they'd feel a lot calmer.
I don't see the point in big, ugly animals with wide mouths and stubby legs.
Guess I'm just hippocritical.
Woman on the bus said to me, "Your fly is down."
I said, "I know, I'm taking him to see his psychologist."
I was hiking through the woods when I came face to face with bigfoot.
"Do you mind if I fake a photo?" I asked him.
A man walks into a vet with a dead labrador in his arms.
The Vet looks at the dog and says "sorry sir, your dog is dead"
"I'd like a second opinion please" says the man laying his beloved animal on the table.
"One moment sir" says the vet
second vet comes in carrying a cat, he waves the cat over the dog and say "sorry sir, you dog is definately dead"
The man says "look are you sure"
"Yes" says the vet "these cat scans are very reliable"
I was telling my mate I just got myself a labrador.
He said: "Oh they're really nice dogs, I love them but they make you go blind."
Sharks in the Mediterranean have ravished on food today and are said to be ecstatic at the arrival of 90 toothpicks to help them keep their teeth in good shape.
Me and my mate picked up a couple of birds the other day.
'Yeah I think they're dead,' I said and chucked them in the park bin.
My cat adored me,was always at my side or on my lap.
Then, one day, I just got fed up with it and the cat left.
I lost that loving feline.
I noticed a mouse popping it's head out of a hole from a skirting board in my bedroom , so I rang the Enviromental health Agency.
The bloke arrived shortly afterwards I and we stood in my bedroom and waited for the mouse to appear , suddenly a Fish stuck its head out of the hole and went back in again , I said "Did you see that Fish?"
And the bloke said "I'm here about the mouse Sir, we'll deal with the Rising Damp later".
Told my bird to go make me a sandwich earlier..
Stupid Parrot never get's the bacon right.
My mother-in-law's coming over.
I had to clear out half my closet so she has a place to hang upside down and sleep.
I rang my mate but he answered the phone in tears.
"Whats wrong?" I asked, concerned.
"The dogs just been hit by a truck! Just this minute outside the house, almost tore it in half!" he wailed.
"I'll be over right away!" I shouted.
I've never seen inside a dog before.
"Where's Rover gone again daddy?" asked my little girl.
"He's gone to live on a farm darling, where there are lovely big fields he can run around in all day."
"That's nice daddy. I'm so happy his legs must have grown back after you squashed them with the car."
They say if you blow in a dogs face that it can't breathe.
Mine must be trying to commit suicide with his head outside of my car window.
Lost my job as a shepherd because I couldn't count the sheep.
I kept falling asleep.
My sick dog brings all the bait I need to go fishing with.
He's a worm carrier.
For some reason, I find any animal with hypersensitive hearing really eerie