"I've got a lot of growing up to do"
I thought to myself the other day.
In my fort.
Studies from the University of Plymouth have discovered that while orange can be a colour, interestingly, it can also be a fruit.
I've just treated myself to a new ringtone.
It didn't half tickle using that spray tan machine.
I got told that I lack originality.
"So does your mum" was my reply.
After years of narrowing down the different types of human pattern scientist have finally narrowed it down to two.
1) The 9-5: living by the system finding a girls settling down getting married, kids, the works.
2) Call of duty.
Nothing says Chav better than 'Man throws ex's hamster out of first floor council flat window'.
"Doctor Doctor! I think I'm a deck of cards"
"I knew that when you shuffled into my surgery"!
Having not lost a tennis match in 4 years,I was furious at losing today with the unmpire making some terrible decisions.
"For cyring out loud Dave,Luke is only 7,letting him win just once wont kill you" said the wife.
Entered a farting contest the other day. Mine wasn't the best but it wasn't to be sniffed at.
With his trousers down round his ankles he said.. "Look, They're small, smelly, and this one no longer stands up on command"
.... "Sargent, when I asked how your privates were doing, that's not exactly what I had in mind.."
I'm not superficial. I try to be nice to ugly people. In case I ever need someone to babysit on short notice.
Bob`s father bought him a cowboy outfit for his birthday..
That`s when he became a builder..
The missus puts a smile on my face every morning.
But it's nowhere near as neat as the specs and tash I put on her while SHE'S asleep!
Me and the Mrs were having another fight so I demanded she got off my back.
I was in no mood to give her or anyone else a piggyback.
Who's boss of the pencil case?
I had to leave the army because my childish commanding officers kept getting me in trouble.
Major Look and Major Stare.
World Book Day next week and you're supposed to dress up as someone from a book.
I'm dressing up as myself, from Facebook.
I was having a discussion with my wife today. She was going on about how I was too immature and childish for her and that she thinks we should terminate our marriage.
"If you ever grow up, come and find me." she said, "But right now, it's over".
I broke down into tears at this point. As I hadn't laughed so hard in years.
What happens if you hook up two 9V batteries to a raisin?
You get an electric current.
I'm going to open a bar called Rapunzels.
That way the ladies can really let their hair down.
My mum said i'll be in shock at uni because i'm too childish.
That's pathetic, just because I didn't let her in my castle to play with my dragons.
I love visiting my nan for the day. Just before the drive home she'll say,"come on...up the wooden hill", and we'll go upstairs and she helps me into my my Jim Jams before getting into the car. That way, I can go straight to bed as soon as we get home.
For some reason my wife and kids always seem to think that's a bit weird?
My mate has an obsession of every time he ties his laces he then had to arrange the laces to look like the letter Y or he can't leave the house.
I said to him "why do you always have to do that "
People who say they shave every day are just bare-faced liars.
I stuck a label on my room mates back saying "I sleep with kids" as he was heading out for his first day of work.
He later got sacked from the nursery.