Joke Joke

Had to break up with my blind girlfriend, couldn't stand her wandering eyes.

Joke Joke

How many warranty forms does it take to change a lightbulb?

Joke Joke

I just sold the movie rights to my life story. It's not easy being a nocturnal alcholic but I can wait to see "Night Cider".

Joke Joke

Some people think my legs look funny.
I should hope so, I do stand-up.

Joke Joke

I used to be lazy, but that all changed when I stepped in a pool of glue
I've been working my socks off ever since.

Joke Joke

I was sat next to this miserable, unhappy looking bloke on the bus when he said,
"One ring to rule them all."
"Is that from Lord of the Rings?" I interrupted.
"No," he replied "it's a general consensus of women's domination as a result of marriage."

Joke Joke

I hit an elderly lady with a tennis ball earlier.
I warned her what would happen if she kept refusing to give it back.

Joke Joke

Just had a Job interview with G4S. It went rather well! They said I should hear back in september

Joke Joke

I need to go and buy myself a new pair of trousers.
These ones are on their last legs.

Joke Joke

I guess its ok to leave baby in the corner now.

Joke Joke

My girlfriend complained today that I had a one-track mind.
She interrupted my train of thought.

Joke Joke

Whats Grey And would look Funny on the Wigan Warrior's team Bus?
Terry Newton.

Joke Joke

Following success of SAW VI we bring you
NATURAL CAUSES, THE MOVIE

Joke Joke

I got some blinds for my Living room window yesterday.
People must be walking past my house thinking, "Them disabled people have just stood there all day".

Joke Joke

The arkward moment in 2013 when every girl is pregnant...

Joke Joke

I was telling my colleagues a hilarious story about the time me and my friends got locked in a room full of laughing gas. When I finished it was met with an awkward silence.
You probably had to be there.

Joke Joke

I get a lot of stick for collecting bits of tree.

Joke Joke

Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get to your house.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
The Chicken.

Joke Joke

I've just seen a pair of hippies mid-protest, proper Green activist, all about saving the planet they were.
I feel they may be taking a little too far though though, when they had to decide who would leave their post to go and fetch some water.
They played Rock, Scissors, Recycled paper.

Joke Joke

I love treating myself after doing something good.
Having a burger after going for a run, going for a pint after staying in all week...
Pushing my elderly mother down the stairs after a day out helping the disabled.

Joke Joke

John, Tom and Jess were on a plane flying across the Pacific Ocean. The plane ran into turbulence and crashed into the sea, leaving them as the only survivors. They were eventually washed up on a tropical island and, after a few months or so, they had an effective food system and water system etc etc...

Joke Joke

I have all the money I'll ever need - if I die by 10:00 p.m. tonight.

Joke Joke

Was anyone else hoping she would just kick him in there and then?
Or
That they had a sniper at the ready?

Joke Joke

My teacher called me a quitter today.
I nearly dropped my English lessons.

Joke Joke

I saw a Policeman at the ATM before, he was there for a while.
He never did get a statement though.