Do vegetarians count towards my 5 a day?

My girlfriend said that she wanted a fairytale relationship.
So I ate her Grandmother.

A cannibal says to his mate, "That bloke I just ate keeps repeating on me."
"What was his name?" His mate asks.
"Dave."

I had some friends for dinner yesterday.
We were snowed in and I had to eat something.

I was always told to eat my vegetables.
I still can't get my wife's screams out of my head as I tucked into our paraplegic son, Johnny.

Two cannibals are having dinner.
"Your wife makes a great roast," one of them says.
"I know,' the other replies, "but I sure am going to miss her."

I just got the new ginger version of Facebook today.
It's exactly the same but it removes all the friends options.

My wifes been cooking for just over an hour now.
It serves her right for marrying an cannibal.

What do you call a bee that eats other bees?
Hannibal Nectar.

My friend and I met a girl in a club last night.
We asked her if she was up for a spit roast.
She was very keen on the idea.
Right up until we tried to stuff an apple in her mouth.

I've just took the wife out for dinner.
I'll have her later, she's got to defrost first.

I love working in the abortion clinic.
I've not had to go out and buy food for 6 months now.

Hear about the vegetarian cannibal?
He only eats swedes

Let's eat Grandpa!
Let's eat, Grandpa!
Commas, save lives.

Reuters: "British surgeons separate very rare conjoined twins".
I prefer mine well done.

When can cannibals leave the table?
When everyone's eaten.

Cannibals - there's a good person in all of them.

USA and Britain have finally apologised for their part in the slave trade in the 18th and 19th centuries, and so they should. But in the spirit of going forward, shouldn't certain African tribes apologise for cooking vicars in enormous metal cauldrons and stealing their top hats?

My wife is always saying "Waste not, want not." But then yesterday she said I was rude and tacky when I asked for a doggie bag!
Anyway it turns out they don't have them at the abortion clinic.

My wife is busy cooking and I can't wait.
I'd say another hour or so before she's tender.I'm starving.

I attended a seminar at uni today when the tutor claimed he'd once eaten a man's liver with some fava beans and a nice Chianti.
Must've been a Hannibal Lecture.

I managed to convince my best mate to let me spit-roast his wife last night.
Unfortunately she was too much for us to eat in one sitting, but at least his children will have something in their pack lunch tomorrow.

I had a Chinese girl once. Half an hour later, I wanted another one.
It's hard work sometimes, being a cannibal.

Two cannibals are talking.
- I don't like my mother-in-law...
- That's fine, mate, just eat the chips then.

What's the difference between an abortion and a McDonald's big breakfast?
The scrambled eggs from McDonald's are inedible.