Wordplay Joke

"The removal of the ability to predict the future!"
"What do we want?"

Wordplay Joke

I'm an untidy person and I just walked in to find my wife ironing my Y-fronts,
Oh the irony

Wordplay Joke

Felix the cat, he'll get a furry tongue.

Wordplay Joke

I just went to buy some Velcro shoes and the prices were astonishing. What a rip off!

Wordplay Joke

I find jokes about people in wheelchairs, like Christopher Reeves, absolutely sickening.
Around me that sort of crude humour just won't fly.

Wordplay Joke

They say, "Once you go black you never go back!"
I say, " Everything taste better on a Cracker!"

Wordplay Joke

My friend bet me 20 quid I couldn't be a dog walker.
I took him on, knowing it'd be a walk in the park.

Wordplay Joke

Saw my wife ironing for once today, so I laughed.
Thats when the irony hit me.

Wordplay Joke

What do you get when you toss a lettuce?
Salad cream.

Wordplay Joke

The guy who invented the rear view mirror is so proud of his achievements.
He's never looked back since.

Wordplay Joke

I've just been to the Edinburgh fringe festival.
Wasn't as good as the Liverpool perm seminar.

Wordplay Joke

'The USA have not just beaten the world recrord, they 'blitzed' it!'
Not a good choice of words considering it was the German's record that was broken.

Wordplay Joke

So,I see McDonald's new slogan is "We do Happy!"
But I find Grumpy or Sleepy generally more doable...

Wordplay Joke

Fabrice Muamba retired from football.
He is reported to have said that his heart just wasn't in the right place.

Wordplay Joke

spend some time at my daughters grave today.
shes not dead she just thinks im building a sandpit.

Wordplay Joke

I lost control of my car and crashed into a tree last night.
This morning I went straight to the bodyshop.
I'm going to need a nice lavender bath after that ordeal.

Wordplay Joke

So the soldiers were brought in as extra security during the 17 days of the Olympics.
Does that mean that during the Paralympics we're going to be bringing all the Paratroopers in?

Wordplay Joke

I never pay any attention to the Richter Scale.
It has too many faults.

Wordplay Joke

After one night stands women always ask me why I call my condoms religious.
They don't like it when I say sewing needles make them holy.

Wordplay Joke

I asked my cheating lifeguard wife who she's thinking about right now.
"Tom, daily" she replied.

Wordplay Joke

Due to the high number of female members, only men can now join the Belarus shot putt team.

Wordplay Joke

Chicks dig miners.

Wordplay Joke

I was grateful when the judge sent me down.
I sleep easier on a softer pillow.

Wordplay Joke

I woke up this morning and felt like an 18 year old!!
Could not find her so I got out of bed.

Wordplay Joke

Sent my wife this text this morning "mozzarella, cathedral city, cheddar." Oh she does love a cheesy message