Health Joke

I got up this morning and ran around the block 4 times! Then I got tired, so I picked it up and put it back in the toy box!

Health Joke

Recent research suggests that a three minute burst of intense activity once a week could give noticeable benefits in fitness and weight loss.
That's all very well but some of us are married.

Health Joke

My doctor told me that I'm chronically unfit and I need to start doing an activity at least three times a week that gets my heart pumping and brings me out in a sweat.
Snorting cocaine it is then.

Health Joke

Just heard that there is going to be "training for Mars" thats one way to get obese people to exercise.

Health Joke

I was shocked to realise I had lost two stones when I was at weight watchers the other day
I bought four at the offy - a couple must have fell out the carrier on the way

Health Joke

My wife has just done a 2 year stretch.
She takes her exercise far too seriously.

Health Joke

"Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in went back and forwards. I thought 'This is unusual'. And the dentist said to me 'Mr Smith, get out of the filing cabinet.'"

Health Joke

I tried reading the sun the other day, cost me a fortune in laser eye surgery afterwards

Health Joke

You know you have a drug problem when you use the talk to frank booklet as a catalogue.

Health Joke

I don't understand why so many people want to go to the gym to get "big"
Surely McDonald's is the better place to go

Health Joke

Jonas Screw, the famous human-drain cleaner who worked for Dynorod for 40 years, was taken to hospital after he nearly drowned when stuck upside down in a manhole.
Doctors said he was still critical, but said he would still pull through!

Health Joke

My psychiatrist has diagnosed me with paranoia.
But u can't take any notice of him, he's always had it in for me.

Health Joke

The main issues with making your own toothpaste are finding a strong enough blender, and enough teeth that people don't need.

Health Joke

An obese guy was asked "why are you so fat?"
He replied "because ((-1)/64)".

Health Joke

Its not nice to make fun of people in wheelchairs, my dad's got a wheelchair...
He nicked it off a crippled child

Health Joke

My wife went to the doctor to ask for a facial surgery. He told her he'd make a 40% discount if she brings the dynamite herself.

Health Joke

I saw a woman at the gym who was looking a bit bewildered.
I walked over and said "Hi, you must be new".
She laughed and said "Is it so obvious?"
"Yes" I replied "You're seriously out of shape".

Health Joke

I was speaking to my blonde sister the other day whilst watching Maury.
As we both were watching a morbidly obese woman come onto the set, I said to her ''that fat woman makes me feel like throwing up''.
She looked at me disgusted, and yelled ''don't be racist!''
I laughed at her stupidity, then turned to her and said, ''They don't matter, even if fat people were a race, they'd lose anyway''.

Health Joke

Ever since I started using Garnier Fructis fortifying shampoo I've been intimidated by my hair because it's healthier & stronger than I am.

Health Joke

Athletico Madrids Colombian Striker is what Carlos Tevez would have looked like if he hadn't had his face set on fire and then put out with a rusty frying pan.

Health Joke

My new girlfriend is exercise crazy, it's getting to a point where I'm losing a lot of weight from this. But I'm really begininng to hate it, I'm just not that into exercise.
Well at least from a brighter perspective, I've killed two stones with one bird.

Health Joke

I was leaving a bar the other day, when a fat bird walked through the door before me, being reasonble I let her through. She gave me the eye and said "Awww thankyou, what a gentleman". I then replied "I only done it because we both wouldn't have fit through the door at the same time".

Health Joke

I try to be healthy, so every day I walk 2 miles. although, it's a bit of a pain at the end of the week, as I'm 14 miles away from home.

Health Joke

My girlfriend is getting a bit chubby, so I've bought her some running gear so she can go jogging.
And I can change the locks.

Health Joke

Why is it that everybody that wants me to sponsor them to do the Run for Life looks like running for a bus would kill them?