I was chatting up a girl in the pub last night, " if I could rearrange the alphabet...". " Let me guess? You'd put U and I together." she interrupted. " no" I said, " I'd be a better speller. I'm dyslexic".

I told my mate that he was easily amused.
But he just cracked up and shat himself.

I dropped off last night and then farted myself awake. Wife wasn't best pleased. Don't think we'll be going to the theatre again for a while.

After only having my new job as an English teacher for a few months, I was shocked when an eleven year old girl approached me and said "Me and my boyfriend are having a baby!" I was disgusted.
She should have said "My boyfriend and I are having a baby"

I was talking to my mum, ''What about that pretty girl of yours?'' she asks.
''Who, Amber? I said.
''Yeah, I've been hearing a lot of noise coming from upstairs lately.'' she said smiling.
''We broke up a 2 weeks ago mum.'' I said.
''I know!'' she said laughing, ''You've been in your room crying for days you big girl!''

I should run for political office just to see what kind of scandalous dirt they dig up.
It would be nice to be able to piece together my twenties.

My girlfriend and midwife didn't see the funny side to me wearing my t-shirt with the logo " remember my name you'll be screaming it later" when she whent into labour.