I have finally figured out why the missus is so fat: the shampoo she uses in the shower, that runs down her body, clearly says, "for extra volume and body."
I'm going to recommend she uses dishwashing soap instead; it says, "dissolves fat that is otherwise difficult to remove."

I went to the gym today worked out for one hour and ended up gaining twenty pounds.
Some idiot left the key in his locker.

Walking home from work this evening I saw a man and woman out jogging. The woman, in typical fashion, hadn't a clue how to jog properly. She was gasping for air and kept looking back over her shoulder towards her partner, while sobbing loudly. She wasn't even dressed appropriately!
What a loser.

Men who have six pack abs and care about them very much, will cover them in a thick layer of fat.

My wife bought me an exercise bike for Christmas.
I used it for a bit but have stopped now as it wasn't getting me anywhere.

Did you know, if you took all of the obese people from England & all of the obese people from America & put them in one place, that place would be Disneyland.