While in the playground with his friend, Little Johnny noticed that Jimmy was wearing a brand new, shiny watch. "Did you get that for your birthday?" asked Little Johnny. "Nope." replied Jimmy. "Well, did you get it for Christmas then?". Again Jimmy says "Nope." "You didn't steal it, did you?" asks Little Johnny. "No," said Jimmy. "I went into Mom and Dad's bedroom the other night when they were 'doing the nasty'. Dad gave me his watch to get rid of me.
TEACHER: Why are you late?
JOHNNY: Because of the sign.
TEACHER: What sign?
JOHNNY: The one that says, "School Ahead, Slow down
My son kept saying, "Dad, Dad I'm hot, I'm hot. I need an ice cream. Can I get one please?"
He just kept going on and on, so in the end I couldn't take the whinging any more. I gave in and I got him a Magnum.
He used it to rob the ice cream man.
Teacher: "Johnny, why have you not given me your homework?"
Little Johnny: "I made it into a paper aeroplane and someone hijacked it."
Any-one else think you're just pushing your luck if you name your child "Little Johnny"?
Little Johnny comes home with wet hair.
"Why is your hair wet, Johnny?" asks his mother
"Me and Bobby were playing doggy," says Johnny.
"That doesn't make your hair wet."
"It does when it's your turn to be the lamp post."
Pastor: "Do you know where little boys and girls go when they do bad things?"
Little Johnny: "Sure, back of the church yard."
little johnny returns home from school and says "mum, i got a question right today" the mum says "wonderful, what was the question?" little johnny replies "who's farted"
Little Johnny woke up in the middle of the night and cried until his mother came in to see what was the matter.
"I have to make pee pee", wailed Little Johnny.
"All right," said his mother, "I'll take you to the bathroom."
"No" insisted Little Johnny, "I want Grandma."
"Don't be silly, I can do the same thing as Grandma," said his mother firmly."
"Nuh-uh. Her hands shake." replied Little Johnny.
Little Johnny is staying with Grandma and Grandpa for the weekend. When his mum comes to pick him up, she asks him how it was.
"Boring!" says Johnny
"Gran and Grandad sat around on the sofa with nothing on!"
"Yeah, nothing on... no telly, no computer, no stereo, no radio..."
Little Johnny turns to his mum an says:
"When you found out you were pregnant what did you want me to be?"
Little Johnny's mother taught him to say 'whisper' whenever he had to 'tinkle.' One day Little Johnny's grandpa paid them a visit. He was lying on the couch taking a nap when Little Johnny came up to him and said, "Grandpa, I have to whisper." Without opening his eyes, his grandpa said, "Whisper in my ear, son." When Little Johnny's mom heard a yell that carried for several blocks, she came running. "What's the matter?" she cried. Then, seeing Little Johnny she asked, "Did Little Johnny have to whisper?" "Yes!" the old man shouted, "Thank God he didn't have to shout!"
"So little johnny, what do you want to be when you grow up?"
"I'm gonna follow my dads footsteps & be a policeman"
"Ohhhh, is your dad a policeman then?"
"No, he's a bank robber"
Little Johnny came running into the house and asked, "Mommy, can little girls have babies?" "No," said his Mom, "of course not."Little Johnny then ran back outside and his Mom heard him yell to his friends, "It's okay, we can play that game again!"
During Sunday dinner, Little Johnny wants to say something to his Dad, but his Dad raises a warning finger:
"Be quiet. I am talking to the grown-ups. Speak when you are spoken to."
When the conversation is over, Little Johnny is allowed to speak:
"Doesn't matter now, Dad," he says. "You've already eaten the slug that was on your salad."
Who on earth are all these people calling their children 'little johnny'!?
Little Johnny was asked by his teacher what book he would read if he was abandoned on a deserted island.
He thought for a moment and then replied, "Boat Building."
Little Johnny was in his maths lesson one day when his teacher asked him a question to see if he was paying attention.
"If I gave you 20," she began, "and you gave 5 to Mary, 5 to Sally and 5 to Susan, what would you have?"
Johnny thought about this and then answered, "An orgy?"
Teacher: Johnny, give me a sentence starting with ' I. '
Johnny: I is..
Teacher: No, that's not correct Johnny. You should always say, 'I am.'
Johnny: Okay, 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
The teacher asked little Johnny if he knew his numbers yet.
"Yes, teacher," he said, "my dad taught me."
"Good, Johnny. Tell me what comes after two," the teacher said.
"Three," replied little Johnny.
"Very good. What comes after five, Johnny?" asked the teacher.
"Six," answered little Johnny.
"Excellent. Your dad did a very good job.
Now, what comes after ten?" the teacher asked.
"A Jack!" replied little Johnny.
A Concerned mother warns her little boy, "don't look at naked women or you'll turn to stone."
Johnny loved his mother, and as such decided not to look at naked women.
But one day johhny and his friend were walking along a beach, and saw a woman sunbathing naked. Johnny remembered what his mother said, and turned and ran away from the woman. his friend finally catches up to him and asks why he ran.
Johnny told his friend what his mother said, and then added, "and it must be true, because when i saw that woman I felt myself going rock hard in my trousers
Little Johnny catches his parents going at it. He says, "Hey, Dad! What are you doing?"
His father says, "I'm filling your mother's tank."
Johnny says, "Oh, yeah? Well, you should get a model that gets better mileage. The milkman filled her this morning."
My teacher said, "If you think about anything long enough, it gets easier."
I said, "I don't know about that Miss. Last night I was thinking about you for a bit and it just got harder."
Teaching an English lesson, the teacher wrote on the board, fully aware of the grammar errors:
"I ain't had no fun in months"
"Now, how should I correct this sentence."
"Get a new boyfriend," said Little Johnny.
Fred and Mary got married, but can't afford a honeymoon, so they go back to Fred's parent's home for their first night together. In the morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast.
As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his Mom if Fred and Mary are up yet.
She replies, "No".
Johnny asks, "Do you know what I think?"
His mom replies, "I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school."
Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, "Are Fred and Mary up yet?"
She replies, "No."
Johnny says, "Do you know what I think?"
His mom replies, "Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school."
After school, Johnny comes home and asks again, "Are Fred and Mary up yet?"
His mom says "No."
He asks, "Do you know what I think?"
His Mom replies, "Ok, do tell me what you think?"
He says: "Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline and I think I gave him my airplane glue."