I thought I'd caught my neighbour spying on me with their binoculars last night.
It was just my reflection in their bedroom mirror though.

Child: 'Mummy! Mummy! Are little birds made of metal?'
Mum: 'Of course not, dear. Why do you think that?'
Child: 'Daddy just said he'd like to screw the bird next door!'

My neighbours listen to some amazing music, whether they like it or not.

I think my new neighbours are really poor...
you should have heard the fuss they made when their 2 year old kid swallowed a 10 pence coin earlier

My internet went down yesterday.
I think my cheap neighbour forgot to pay the bill. how irresponsible

My neighbours are so inconsiderate. They're out, and for the last 2hrs I've had to listen to the incessant beeping of their smoke detector.

My neighbour from Prague, turned up uninvited at my party at home. He brought all his friends and family and my house ended up full of Czechs.
It took 3-5 working days to clear them.

convince your neighbours that evolution is working backwards by not shaving for a week, walking to your car gradually more stooped each morning and wearing a monkey costume on the Friday.

Neighbour: "I was wondering if you could check your shed only my Cat has gone missi.."
Me: "-Before we go any further, Margaret, is there a reward?"
Neighbour: "Well, Yes...I imagine..?"
Me: "-How much?"
Neighbour: "I suppose, Twenty pounds?"
Me: "In that case, No, I haven't seen your cat.."
"Which is a shame because I did hear a noise..."
Neighbour: "Oh really, what sort of a noise?"
Me: "...Kind of like a Fifty pound-noise"

My next door neighbour was desperate to go shopping and asked me to watch her kids that evening...
...apparently, through their bedroom window, whilst wearing a nappy and nipple clamps wasn't what she had in mind.

I've had enough of my blonde next door neighbour...
It's time to make a move on her mum.

In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.
In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
In the third year, they both speak and the neighbours listen.

My neighbour Is so annoying he bangs on the wall so loud sometimes that i cant even hear myself drilling

My neighbour is committing fraud, she's got a "Baby on Board" sign in the back window of her Car.
She hasn't even got a baby.
It died yesterday.

I had to climb Hadrian's wall earlier.
My neighbour never gives my football back.

The kid next door booted a football into my garden, so I punctured it with a knife.
He almost bled to death but I think he learnt his lesson.

I found out today, that arguments about fences are the major cause of feuds between neighbours.
So I went and took our neighbours fence down, just in case.

My neighbours hate it when I talk to my plants just before I go to bed. They're in luck tonight though, the batteries of my megaphone ran out.

I was going through my Sky+ planner, deleting some old films when I shouted to my wife "Shall we get rid of Jennifer's body?!"
Not a good idea when you have nosy neighbours...

I was watching neighbours the other day...
And then they saw me.

I've met this girl who, whenever she's around, makes me so happy.
She's called Sarah Tonin.

"How's the flat you're living in in London, Jock?" asks his mother when he calls home to Aberdeen.
"It's okay," he replies, "but the woman next door keeps screaming and crying all night and the guy on the other side keeps banging his head on the wall."
"Never you mind," says his mother, "don't you let them get to you, just ignore them."
"Aye, that I do," he says, "I just keep playing my bagpipes."

My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn't take it out of my garden.

What's the one word beginning with N and ending with R that you don't want to call a black person?
"Neighbour!"