My New Year's resolution was to get personal trainers for me and my wife.
It.seems silly to share a pair when our feet are completely different sizes.

I phoned up my physiotherapist earlier to get advice on new exercises.
'Whats the best way to do chin-ups?' I asked.
'Hang on a minute...'
'Cheers,' I said and hung up.

I love those new Dyson hand dryers. From now on I'm definitely gonna start washing my hands when I've been to the toilet.

When I worked as a personal trainer my job was to help people with their fitness goals.
Once this large woman said to me, "Can you help me define my abs?"
"Certainly," I said, "podgy, sloppy and disgusting."

What religion do fat people follow?
Must-slim

My Grandma was having a stroke yesterday, using her initiative and thinking of the advert, she mumbled out "Think F.A.S.T"
Then hit me in the head with a lamp.

I want to use my new Health & Fitness DVD but I can't.
I've lost the remote.

Being very health and safety conscious, I put rock salt all over a huge Ice patch in my local area. I prevented a lot of people slipping over but, on the down side, I'm now banned from the Ice rink.

I am starting University in a few weeks time and I was told to get some posters to spice up my room.
I saw an Adele poster that looked great, the only problem is that I don't think it will fit on my wall.

i recently got fired from my job as a doctor, apparently when asked what exactly is a cesarean,
replying "have you ever seen the film alien" is not the response there looking for...

My wife asked for jewellery for her birthday, so she was quite upset when I bought her a steel bar which fixes into door frames.
"What do you expect me to do with it?" She asked angrily.
"Come on love, chin up."

Health & Safety.
We'll save your life with our rules, but after following them, you'll probably want to die.

Fat jokes just bounce off me, like pretty much everything else.

scientists have just confirmed that they are about to start studies on the female brain .
This comes after a decade of trying to locate it .

Just been to the Doctors, He was very impressed with my footwear, He said i had healthy shoes.

I went to weight watchers and I lost 30 pounds.
Unfortunatley, I only found out when I opened my wallet when I got home.

What's the definition of risk?
All londoners are fat, lazy overweight virgins who spend the whole day on their computers, wasting away their lives minute by minute. They need a life and a girlfriend!
Joke by Afielding,
23 St Margarets Road,
Twickenham, London, England

I like to monitor and record my progress down the local gym.
I did great this morning - I almost reached the door!

I have a huge series of stretch marks all over my body
That's the last time I try to get ripped in less than four weeks.

don't you think its funny that in the Olympics black people are good at all the running events and white people are good at all the shooting events?

Good health is just the slowest way to die.

I'm sick of people telling me I'm a weakling so tonight I went to the gym.
After a light warm up, I steadied myself, put both hands on the metal bar and heaved with all my might. I strained and I strained but still, no matter how hard I tried, I could not get it to budge.
Eventually one of the burly staff members came over and said... "Stop pulling on the door mate, we're closed."

There is currently one thing which prevents me from going to Fat Fighters.
The front door.

Men who have six pack abs and care about them very much, will cover them in a thick layer of fat.

Dawn French was dropped twice as a baby.
Once on Hiroshima and once on Nagasaki.