The brain is the most outstanding organ.It works non-stop,from the time you're born until....you fall in love.

I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.

My wife has become so fat, I said to her
"You are starting to look like my ex-wife".
"But you only have ever been married to me". She replied
"Yes, I know"

I Lost my Donor card yesterday and they got one of my kidneys before I could cancel it.

Me and my wife just had a blazing row 'cause she says I'm just a fat slob
I don't know what she's talking about, I do 100 sit-ups every morning, trying to get out of bed

"Sometimes I feel like throwing my hands up in the air." I actually tried this action. It was only after I cut off my hands that I realised I could no longer throw them.

So I was talking to one of those health gurus the other day and he said to me,
"Well, you eat too much, drink too much and sleep too much. To lose some weight you need to do more exercise."
"Don't be an idiot," I replied. "If I do more exercise then I'll be more hungry, more thirsty and more tired."

When you get out of bed in the morning, can you count that as a situp?

I just saw an advert for Lanacane to stop chafing.
Alternatively, fat people could buy clothes that fit.

When you bust open a packet of soothers suddenly everyone has a bad throat

To all those who have sponsored me to run the Great North Run to raise money for Chronic Fatigue Syndrome Awareness.
I've decided not to run; I'm a bit tired and can't really be bothered.

Self-harm jokes aren't funny. But if you do happen to make one, don't beat yourself up over it...

I went to get my body waxed yesterday, they did a really bad job.
Oh well I should have gone to pecshavers.

My white friend called his black fitness instructor a slave driver the other day!
Is it just me or does anyone else see the irony here?

I've found it a lot easier to pick up women since I've been going to the gym.
Sometimes I even challenge myself with a fat one.

Owen Hargreaves signing a 'pay as you play' contract makes you think he'd be better off just signing on.

What do you get if you drop a bag of Maltesers at a Weight Watchers meeting?
A real life game of Hungry Hungry Hippos.

My blood test results said my blood had zero antigens.
I thought that must be a typo.

My Grandad always said, "Don't watch your money; watch your health." So one day, while I was watching my health, someone stole my money.
It was my Grandad.

I was standing in the bus queue the other day behind a pregnant lady.
Trying to appear friendly, I asked her, "When are you due?"
It was then that I realised that she wasn't pregnant, just really fat, but luckily I managed to cover my tracks by adding, "...for another snack?"

I have a friend who is always being taunted because he is fat.
I asked him how he doesn't get upset by all the nasty remarks, and he said he takes it on the chin.
I wonder which chin he takes it on?