My workmates accused me of being delusional.
So I downed my pint of unicorn tears and flew away on my Pegasus.

Really Professor, Do you really believe there are such creatures as vampires?
"Herr Doctor, there are many things in this world that we simply cannot comprehend
So these small puncture marks on her neck are from the fangs of this devilish fiend?!
Im afraid so, draining the very life out of her in the process
She looks so peaceful and beautiful, I cant believe shes dead
Shes not! She is what we call one of the undead
I take it Professor she would have all human responses but retain no consciousness of anything that took place in this realm?
Exactly!
Are .. you.. thinking what Im thinking Professor?
Yes! Ill close the curtains. You go first, Herr Doctor, I dont mind sloppy seconds.

I was thinking of putting fangs on my canine teeth to make me look more like a vampire and have the many girls who read the Twilight series chasing after me.
But I think perhaps with my weight problem, I'd look more like a baby walrus.

How tragic would it be if a vampire got AIDS off of one of it's victims?

I told my vampire friend I had a cure for his affliction.
He thought he would never see the day.

I bet Dracula does all his shopping online, just so he can keep clicking on 'Your Account'.

I was watching Twilight the other day and I'd have to say my favourite scene by far was about 21 minutes and 38 seconds in, when my electricity ran out.

Edward Cullen.
He doesn't bite people, he looks like he resides in the woods, and he sparkles. Face it, he's not a real vampire. He's a fairy.

A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.

Turns out that smashing a stake through a vampire's heart works, even if your wife's not a vampire.

A vampire walks into a bar, "Pint of blood, landlord." he says. The barman gives him his order.
A second vampire walks into the bar, "Pint of your finest blood, please." he says. Again, the barman pours his order.
A third vampire walks into the bar and says, "A mug of hot water, barman."
The barman looks puzzled at the vampire, and asks, "Why would you want that? We serve the finest blood in all town!"
The vampire then held up a used tampon and answered, "I'm making tea."

I went out thieving with a couple of vampires the other day. They put me up on their shoulders so I could reach stuff. I got arrested and charged with shoplifting on two counts.

Vegetarian Zombies;
They want your grains.

Why are there no vampires on Facebook?
Because they can't take pictures of themselves in front of a mirror.

On reflection, vampires aren't that scary.

I did something really stupid last night and now I can't even look myself in the mirror.
I should never have told that vampire she could bite me.

I asked Medusa if she'd just had her hair done.
If looks could kill.

Zombies - The only people who hate fast food.

Twilight, taking the "n" out of "vampire fangs" since 2007

What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas.
So if the zombie apocalypse starts there, the rest of the world is saved.

Unicorns are basically horses with strap-ons...

Did you hear about the dyslexic zombie?
He ate Brian.

Naked Vampires.
They don't like cloves.

I was in Tesco earlier and the cashier said she felt like a zombie.
Better safe than sorry I thought, so I stabbed her in the eye with a pen.

Zombies....if you can't beat 'em, join 'em.