If Michael Barrymore wanted to come out of the closet earlier why didn't he just take his wife swimming?
What's the difference between me and a blind man?
A blind man would be happy to see my wife.
I've just got sacked from my latest job as a teacher today, didn't even last a day
Apparently, Physical Education isn't what I thought it was.
I went over to my mates house to see his new born son.
His wife was sitting on the sofa holding him and said "Would you like to wind him?".
I thought that was a bit harsh, so I gave him a Chinese Burn instead.
Everyone has a right to their own opinion...except my wife
The only right she gets is to the jaw!
All my friends think I'm an egotist.
Or they think I have a cheesy fist, I don't know, I just walked away and smiled after they said my name.
"Treat 'em mean, keep 'em keen" or in other words; punch her in the face and she'll stick around.
I met Claire only a week ago, but she dumped me yesterday when deciding our names for each other.
She called me her Silly Banana and so I called her my Tasty Vegetable..
Perhaps it wasn't the best name for a quadruple amputee.
An old fella fell down in the street outside my house this afternoon and smashed his head on the pavement. He was laying on his back like a dying beetle, legs twitching. Blood gushing everywhere from a head wound. It was an awful sight.
So I decided to do something about it.
I closed my curtains.
I was in the garden earlier when I pointed over to our neighbours garden and said to my wife;
"Look at those fat red tomatoes!"
She didn't appreciate how rudely I was referring to Mr and Mrs Grant.
In a recent drive towards "customer service" the National Health Service now wants to call people 'clients' and patients 'customers.'
As usual, they've missed a golden opportunity - to rename the salad-dodging jumbos at the obesity clinic 'consumers.'
A driver pulled up beside a rundown farmhouse.
He got out and knocked at the door.
A very old woman answered the door, and he asked her for directions to Des Moines."Dont know," the woman said. He got back in his car and pulled away.
Then he heard voices.
He looked in his rearview mirror and saw the woman and an equally old man waving for him to come back.
So he made a U- turn and drove up to them."This is my husband," the old woman said.
"He doesnt know how to get to Des Moines either."
Welcome to Schizophrenia Anonymous, nice to see so many people here today...
There are only two types of honest people in this world.
Small children and drunk people.
What do you call a builder who's 4 hours late?
A day earlier than expected.
If people evolved from apes, why do women smell like fish ????
If people say you have a bubbly personality, chances are you're ugly
There are those who think they are better than others.
Not me though, I'm above that sort of thing.
Sometimes I think humanity will survive as a species for years and years. Other times I watch come dine with me
Generalizing works for most people.
"I'm not a taxi service!" Yeah I know, and that's why I'm not paying you.
Why can't Oedipus play Scrabble with his family?
He always stares at his mum's rack.
My ex girlfriend asked me if I was any good at hiding. That was the last time she ever saw me again.
Fat Girls are like Buffet Food...
I've snuck some home a few times in my days.
I saw this bloke heading south on the M1 thumbing a lift.
So I pulled over and said 'alright mate, where you heading?.'
London he said.
I said 'well carry on down this road you can't miss it, and drove off.