SCIENCE FACT: The Richter Scale was named after its inventor.
Ian Scale.

Why are blonde jokes generally frowned upon?
Because they're not very clever.

If there's one thing I hate.
It's people who moan about other people.

I'm always really careful to have my phone on silent when I'm in the theatre.
The last thing I'd want is to be woken up.

What is a fat person's favourite number?
3.142

My girlfriend went mad when she caught me reading her diary...
Whilst using a megaphone in the town centre.

Friends:
Gods apology for relations.

putting a turtle neck jumper on a bald person so he looks like a roll-on deodorant.

I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg!

Get my coat, you've pulled a chauvinist.

Are all girls claustrophobic? It's like every single one freaks out when they're locked in the boot of a car.

Bit disappointed that my Amish online dating site hasn't taken off yet.

I was once abducted by aliens. They made me wipe my face, blow my nose and eat my greens.
I think I was on board the mothership.

I can tell whether someone likes strangers staring at them or not just by looking at them.

Who does Death think he is? Coming over here, taking our Jobs.

1st Brummie: - "Have you seen The Voice?"
2nd Brummie: - "Course I 'ave, it's on the bench in me shed next to me woodworking tools.

Do you know that because your tongue shares muscles with your intercostal muscles it's impossible to stick your tounge out and breath heavily at the same time?
Good boy.

My girlfriend never went that 'Extra Mile' for me. So I got a Restraining Order, now she has to.

I am sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights and save the environment.
The last time I did that I ran over a cyclist.

Why is it when you run into a spider web, you suddenly turn into a ninja?

Wish my friends were more like 'Google'.
It never judges me, no matter what I ask it to do.

I hate private jokes, they really exclude everyone
Like when Jamie stole that sofa off a pick-up truck

I arranged a pessimists meeting today,
It wasn't a great turn out, the room was half empty.

Statistically, 22/7 Americans love Pie.

'Are you aware of the phrase delusions of grandeur?'
'Yes, since I made it up.'