If time flies when you're having fun.
Don't pessimists live longer than optimists?

The wife went out for five minutes to talk to a delivery man.
She came back half an hour later and said "doesn't time fly when your talking?"
Not when your're talking to me it doesn't!

My girlfriend has just left me because of all the philosophical theories I believe.
Like I care. She doesn't exist anyway.

There is a saying...
"Anything can be a saying."

I'm wondering if I should see Schroedinger's new Broadway musical, Cats. The reviewers all say that until you see it, it's brilliant and horrible at the same time.

I think, therefore I am... not a Daily Mail reader.

When everyone is against you, it means you are absolutely wrong - or absolutely right.

Whenever I split up from a woman I think, "I'll always have my memories".
And by memories I mean naked photographs of them.

The rulers of the Ottoman Empire must have had plenty of places to put their feet up.

Apparently when a professor asks you what came first, the chicken or the egg, suggesting 'IVF treatment' is neither clever nor funny.

Life is like a midget, it's short and really sad.

My father gave me some advice.
He said: "If you keep running away from the things you're bad at, you'll never be good at anything."
...Except running

My philosophy professor stated that "The only certain thing in this world is that nothing is certain."
I've certainly tried to get my head around what he means.
But I'm still a bit uncertain.

Just finished writing my new book. It's about existentialist philosophy and authentic existence, for five to nine year olds. It's a picture book called:
'Why is Wally'.

If only I had been born a lego brick.
I could have made something of my life.

I was told today to treat everyday as if it was my last.
I've decided to treat everyday as if it was my first instead.
It's OK but it annoys my Mum a bit.

Amazingly, the balder i become the more head i get!

I tested the proverb "The pen is mightier than the sword" earlier.
I found this is only true when the sword is very small, and the pen is very sharp.

What's the difference between philosophers and great minds?
Philosophers like a think.

Philosophy Degree
Here's a question to ponder: What's the sound of no hands clapping?
Your parents after you tell them they just spent 28,000 for nothing.

Just saw a German philosopher out buying fruit.
Pretty sure I've spotted a Nietzsche in the market.

If God refuses to believe in other gods, does that make him an atheist?

An infinite number of Chavs typing on an infinite amount of stolen computers, will eventually spell one of their names right.

If two psychics read each other's minds, don't they read their own minds?

They say nothing is certain,
How do they know?