Being a nihilist has brought so much meaning to my life.

Why wash towels...aren't we clean when we use them?

Aristotle said "It is the mark of an educated mind to be able to entertain a thought without accepting it."
...but I think he's wrong.

The pen is mightier than the sword.
And considerably easier to write with.

French authorities have discovered that it is not the real Mona Lisa displayed in the Louvre..
It's just a painting of her.

If you ask me, life is a carwash.
and I'm on a bicycle.

Good old British mentality 'If it doesnt work - Hit it '
Im a Childless Widow now

When a woman says "What?" it doesn't mean that she didnt hear you.
It means that she's giving you a chance to correct yourself.

There's a big philosophical debate about when the foetus becomes viable. If you're Jewish, you're not considered viable until you've graduated from medical school

I've discovered the secret of life.
Breathing.

Mothers are fonder than fathers of their children because they are more certain they are their own.

You don't have to be rich to be my girl, you don't have to be cool to rule my world
with no particular size I'm more compatible with I just want your extra time and your........
Kitchen kept clean.

what is up with all the ginger jokes on Sickipedia?
God already hates them, you don't have to make it worse.

A copper pulled me over in my car today, for speeding.
'And what do you do for a living? Racing Driver?' he said, sarcastically.
'No..' I said, 'I'm a Philosopher'.
'Oh really. And where are you going?'
'Sorry officer, but no man knows his own destiny.' I replied.

Modern philosophy:
The free of sin are those that give their phone to their partner without erasing anything.

If my kid is screaming in the bedroom, but I'm in the pub does it make a noise?
Gerry McCann? It's good to see you've not let things affect your day to day activities!

A thought. If I enter Stephen Hawking against his will, am I a rapist or a hacker?

Why has no one invented bubble wrap where the bubbles are filled with helium so that your packages are lighter and thus cheaper to post?

My mate was yapping on about how "logic can prove anything."
I said, "Nothing is better than eternal happiness, right?"
He agreed.
I said, "A ham sandwich is better than nothing, right?"
Once again, he nodded.
I said, "Therefore, logic dictates a ham sandwich is better than eternal happiness, right?"
That shut him up.

I was discussing 'head transplants' with a young man today and said,
"Surely the term 'head transplant' doesn't even exist? The brain is the seat of the personality and cognitive abilities. The body, however, cannot function without the brain, so technically we should refer to it as a, 'body transplant'."
"That's an interesting concept," he replied, "But this is double murder either way and you're still under arrest."

Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over a billion stars in the universe, you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure.

I applied for a job as a philosopher today.
They asked me "Why can you start?"

Why is a building called a building when its already been built?

In the land of the blind the one-eyed man is king.
Or is it just the one who claims to have one eye?

I'm not into gyms, my philosophy, no pain....no pain.