I'm currently spying on my neighbour on my bike, thinking,
That's my bike

My wife said to me "I'm leaving you, you're the laziest man I've ever met. I'll be back tomorrow to collect my stuff" "Please don't babe" I begged "Come back Monday instead. It's your turn to take out the bins."

My girlfriend stormed into the room and said I'm obsessed with retro childrens TV shows.
I dropped a Clanger.

My wife threw me out for being too childish last night.
God knows how she knocked down the walls of my impenetrable pillow fort to get to me.

My wife just caught me flicking our daughter's bean.
I don't care though, they're really fun when they jump about.

Just had a row with my son over Peter Pan. It's about time he grew up.

My wife said she's leaving me 'because my displays of immaturity over the course of our relationship number too many to recall'.
Heh heh heh. She said 'number two'.

My wife had the cheek to call me "Immature".
Unfortunately for her, I said it at the exact same time so now she's Jinxed!

my girlfriend walked in and said i'm too childish for her.
i nearly chocked on my lego.

I was sat in my police car when i got a shout on the radio that there was a robbery in progress. I got there as quick as i could, just in time to catch one of them. We struggled violently, and i ended up getting him in a very painful armlock. He struggled some more, so i knocked him out with a left hook.
For some reason, my 6 year old doesn't want to play with me anymore

My mum is kicking me out of the house. She says its time for me to grow up, and stop living like I'm a teenager in the 90's.
What a mong...

It's got to the point where i wear my headset whilst playing my Xbox even when i have no friends online. Just so i don't have to talk to my wife.

A cannibal gets fed up with his wife and decides to kill her and serve her to the rest of the family, leaving them unaware it is their mum they are eating.
They are all enjoying the dinner when the daughter turns to the father and says, "This is lovely, dad. What is it?"
"Your mum," says the dad.
The daughter says, "I think you're a bit old for childish remarks, dad."

Why is it when you say i love children it is seen as nice but when you get specific it is weird
I love 8 year olds

Me and my girlfriend were arguing the other night, and to cut a long story short, I was told that I'm 'too childish' for her and that maybe I should sleep on the sofa.
The next morning, she came downstairs all apologetic.
However, I chose to ignore her in the fort I had created.

just took a dump in the ladies bathroom at work. The mens room was open, but i just wanted to show them ladies whos boss.

My wife said to me, "I can't stand being around an immature little man anymore. Put yourself in my shoes."
I said,"No thanks, I'm not your size."

I'm the type of guy who puts the poo in swimming pool.

Woman survives three weeks trapped in her bathroom. Bet she ate the soap?
Oh wait, it was a french bathroom.....

Driving along, the wife shouts "Stop pulling faces at kids!"
"But they pulled faces at me first!" I exclaimed.....
"Grow up!" she cried, "That's a special bus!"

There is a new anti-incontinence wine for urinal incontinents. It's called Pinot More

My wife accused me of being childish as we left the fair, so I wouldn't let it go.
"Alright, your not childish, but for God's sake let it go will you?" my wife moaned.
"Not until you say you're sorry and that I'm not childish" I replied.
"Ok, I'm sorry and your not childish, now please, just let it go" she sighed.
Satisfied she meant it and with a smug grin on my face, I wound down the car window and finally let my Micky Mouse helium balloon go.

I've just bought a fairtrade chocolate bar from my local shop. You can almost taste the happy Africans

My mum said that if I don't stop acting like such a child I will never amount to anything.
Then she stormed off, forgetting to turn on my nightlight I might add.

I'm the type of guy that likes to hold a plastic gun to an ATM when i draw out cash.