What do you get when you cross a cow with an arab?
I don't get all these 10 year olds being teased for not having a date.
I mean, when I was their age I was shunned for not knowing how to do an arm fart.
I was going to say that the Sooties had a clean Sweep.
But I'm afraid they'll Sue.
As we drove past an elderly couple walking a Labrador earlier, my girlfriend said to me:
"Isn't it weird, ever since we have had a dog, I now always notice lots of dogs when we're out"
I said, "I know exactly what you mean, ever since I've had a girlfriend, I now notice lots of girls when we're out!"
After my dinner guests complaining my Stir Fry was a little salty, I went back to the kitchen to see where I could have gone wrong.
"ahhhh" I thought that's it as I read the recipe book,
Step 4-Toss in the pan.
They should really be more clear.
My girlfriend said that I "don't ever take anything in my life seriously".
"This is not true", I said, "but I can't prove you wrong right now, I have an important phone call to do".
"Who you gonna call?" she asked.
"Ghostbusters", I said and giggled.
We had some beautiful times together...
My boss stopped a meeting today due to my 'disruptive behaviour', he pulled me to one side and told me that if I continued to act in such a juvenile manner then I would be severely penalised.
I couldn't help but laugh; 'penalised' sounds a little bit rude.
I used to be a safe driver, but I give up.
After all , who wants to drive a safe.
My mate told me I was really slow yesterday when we were in the pub. I quickly came back with
"Your mum's really slow."
Unfortunately he couldn't hear it as he had left hours ago.
A Swedish commedian just made fun out of Steve Jobs, saying that he was going to have an interactive tombstone called diePad.
Laughter is the best medicine.
Unless you laugh for no reason, in which case you need medicine.
Sometimes I wish I had a lower IQ so I could understand what the wife is saying
My wife keeps telling me to grow up.
Well this shall stop from tomorrow morning, when my power ranger stilts arrive in the post.
my friend told me i was childish and imature the other day
but then so is his mum!
Just had a 9 to 5 shift at childline it was the hardest 8 hours of my life.
I tagged my mate in a photo on Facebook.
He reported me to our boss in ASDA and now I'm no longer to be trusted with the price gun.
Are you smarter than a ten year old?
Yes I know that if a stranger offers me some sweets, it will probably end up with me getting fisted...
I often have flings with birds, then end up smashing their back doors in and destroying them outside in the woods.
How I love playing Angry Birds on my phone.
I told the wife I was going to a fancy dress party as one of the Seven Dwarfs.
She said."Don't be stupid."
Silly cow thinks that was one of them.
I was in Tesco yesterday and it was announced over the tannoy that a child was lost in the store followed by a full description of what the child was wearing.
Bit like 'Scramble' but for Pedophiles!
I'm the kind of guy who laughs in the face of adversity.
Mostly other people's.
Even though I'm a monster, I find it hard to fall asleep.
I always feel like there's something on top of my bed.
My friend recently sent me a 'chain letter' so I decided to show you all our email conversation -
"if u dnt snd this chain 2 10 people in the next hour u will see a dead gurl in ur bedroom tonight'
"Oh great! She'll fit in nicely with the other two there!"
I always have a bit of banter with the professor who lives next door, but this morning he turned round and said that my ripostes, "reflect a personality that too readily regresses into inane juvenile protestations."
I said, "No, that's you."
You know you truly still are a child when you take an orange segement, put it in your mouth and pretend your a boxer.