Sometimes my friends dont get me.
It's like I'm not even playing tag with them.

Breaking news:
An egg fell off the shelves in Tesco this morning and smashed on the floor.
The next of Kinder have been informed.

my wife thinks that I'm too childish and says that if I don't get down from on top of the wardrobe she is moving out.
I'm the one that is safe from the hot lava.

The wife just said that she wants to try out swinging.
That's fine, just as long as she doesn't expect me to be the one pushing the fat lump.

Things are getting a bit childish in here.
Come on, Teddy, we're leaving.

My 10 year old son came up to me today and asked " daddy i hate it when I go to the toilet and my willie dangles in the water at the botom" man I need a DNA test .

I have girls crawling at my feet!
Yeah i work in a disabled home

I was messing about the other day and someone told me to act my age and not my shoe size, which seemed odd to me. I wear a 44.

I'm sick and tired of my girlfriend insulting my friends.
She hasn't even met them.
What right does she have to call them stupid, childish and imaginary?

I started to charge my phone earlier .... until the wife said, "Take that kids plastic Viking helmet off your head and STOP pretending you're a bull."

During my volcano expedition I had to avoid stepping on the lava at all costs.
Until mum came in, and said to stop pretending that the carpet is molten rock and to put the cushions away.

I thought that 'Snap' was the easiest card game ever until someone pointed out that you lay the cards down face up.

If there is one thing that irritates me about my wife it is the way she dresses. For instance, she spent about an hour trying to put on some underwear this morning.
She argues that she would have got them on much sooner, if I would have stopped kicking my legs petulently.

People say google suggestions are always correct.
So how come I never get any suggestions when I've typed in 'Child p'?

Roses are red, violets are blue, what I thought to be Vaseline turned out to be glue

"I got ripped in 4 weeks"
Oh and I see you got a face lift while you were at it.

As I stared through the bars of my cage, I was surprised to see the witch eating her own house made of sweets.
Then I realised that it must be that time of the month.

Everyone said me and the wife were way too young and immature to get married.
Joke's on them.We're expecting our third Tamagotchi in a week's time.

Critics said my career as a comedian was over.
"That's just your oPUNion", I quipped.
They were right.

"what is wet, slippery and smells?"
"Son you think this kind of joke is appropriate at the dinner table!?"
"Well we are eating pickles....."

It's my girlfriends birthday in a couple of weeks, I really don't know what to get her. We've been together for nearly 8 years.
I just don't really know what 8 year olds like.

My wife said that I need to stop acting like a kid and be upfront with her more.
I said, "I can't, because the rear child safety locks are on!"

why couldn't the pirates play cards?
the captain was standing on the deck

People look at me strange when I buy tampons at the supermarket.
"They're for the wife," I say patiently, as I pack them away.
Then I readjust my Darth Vader helmet and walk out all dignified like.

It really amuses me when people approach my car door and I pull away then stop halfway down the street, and pull away again.
I know it's childish, but it gets rather boring being a taxi driver.