Recently Ive been doing my bit to help stop the onslaught of global warming.
Not because I care about the environment; I just hate the homeless.
My 5 year old came back from school today with a picture he had drawn of our family.
He obviously knows about our financial problems because we're all standing outside of our house.
A homeless guy came up to me the other day, and he was asking me for money. I was about to give it to him, and then I thought, 'He's just gonna use it on drugs or alcohol.' And then I thought, 'That's what I'm gonna use it on. Who am I to judge the guy, really?'
There are thousands of starving homeless people on the streets of London, there are also thousands of unwanted stray pets on the streets of London.
Does it really take a genius to work out the solution?
Where do you find a homeless women?
In the soup kitchen
I had between 5 and 6 whisky chasers last night.
I really wish the off license wasn't next to the homeless shelter.
Did you know?....
...that if we collected together all of the money from wasted electricity in one day....
....and gave it to the homeless....
.....they'd probably spend it on booze.
I tried to get the local tramp to play football down the park,
He had a couple of good games but ended up on the bench for the rest of the day.
Advice for enterprising tramps and homeless. Invest in a card swipe machine for those awkward occasions when your target 'doesn't have any change' on them.
Just walked out of the shop and tramp approached me and said, "Have you got a spare cigarette?"
I said, "Hang on a minute, mate," as I took a full pack from my pocket and opened them...
I said, "No, mate, there's only 20 in it."
I saw a tramp today who had a rough beard, torn clothes and long dirty fingernails. I could smell him a mile away and he looked freezing. Totally helpless he was, I felt sorry for him.
Glad I'm not like that, I'd hate to be in his shoe.
A beggar asked me today if I had any spare change.
I told him that I was sorry and that I'd left it at home in my spare wallet.
This bloke came up to me in the street today with his hand held out and said, "Fifty pence for a cup of tea mate."
I said, "Go on then, milk two sugars."
Studies have proven that cats are smarter than dogs.
How many cats do you see sat by a homeless person?
We must all do our part in the battle to curtail the increasing problem of anti-social begging on our streets. We must make it clear we will not surrender our hard earned cash to these ubiquitous beggars. When I am asked for change in the street, I let them know in no uncertain terms they will not be receiving a penny from me by quickening my pace, looking at my shoes and mumbling "sorry, no".
Dogs are clever because they mark their territory with urine. They pee on it, they think it's theirs.
Imagine if people did that, the homeless would own everything.
I find my girlfriend is becoming increasingly dirty in bed.
Mind you, she is homeless after all.
On the box of matches I bought it says Danger Fire Kills Children!
That's misleading because it had the same effect on the tramp I set fire to.
I never give money to homeless people because,
1. They probably make more money than I do.
2. They get to work from home.
3. They drink on the job.
A guy went into a bar and found himself beside a scruffy-looking drunk who kept mumbling and studying something in his hand. He leaned closer while the drunk held the tiny object up to the light, slurring, "Well, it looks plastic." Then he rolled it between his fingers, adding, "But it feels like rubber."
Curious, the guy asked, "What do you have there?"
The drunk replied, "I don't know, but it looks like plastic and feels like rubber."
The guy responded, "Let me take a look."
So the drunk handed it over and the guy rolled it between his thumb and fingers, then examined it closely by sniffing and licking it. "Yeah, it does look like plastic and feel like rubber, has no significant smell or taste. I sure don't know what it is. Where did you get it?"
The drunk replied, "Out of my nose".
I picked up a sandwich in the local Subway earlier... I'm a tramp
I was taking a walk along the street yesterday when I bought a copy of the Big Issue from a bloke.
The bloke said, "Its my last copy mate".
I said, "Lucky you! You'll get home early tonight then"
Homeless Guy goes to the Doctors, The Doctor examines him and says, " Here take this three times a day with water", "What is it?" asks the Homeless Guy, Doctor replies "Soap"
I walked past a beggar today with a dog. I thought, "how can he afford to keep a dog if he can't even afford to feed himself?"
Some people have got more money than sense.
The biggest cause of homeless peoples deaths?