I said to a guy "I've had more women than you've had hot dinners".
I now realise tramps don't have a sense of humour.
I volunteered to do a stint in a soup kitchen.
At closing time, they get quite resentful when you say, "Come on, some of us have got homes to go to."
I was gonna give my change to a homeless guy today, but his sign said "ONE DAY IT COULD BE YOU."
So I held onto it, just in case he was right.
What is the best thing about dating a "homeless" woman?
You can drop her off anywhere.
Has anyone else noticed the irony that the preferred drink of London's Homeless community is called Tenants.
I always try and date homeless girls.
It's easier to get them to stay over.
A man was walking in the city, when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking tramp who asked him for a couple of pounds for dinner.
The man took out his wallet, extracted two quid and asked, "If I gave you this money, will you take it and buy whisky?"
"No, I stopped drinking years ago," the tramp said.
"Will you use it to gamble?"
"I don't gamble. I need everything I can get just to stay alive."
"Will you spend the money on greens fees at a golf course?"
"Are you MAD? I haven't played golf in 20 years!"
The man said, "Well, I'm not going to give you two quid. Instead, I'm going to take you to my home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife." The tramp was astounded.
"Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty bad."
The man replied, "Hey, man, that's OK! I just want her to see what a man looks like who's given up drinking, gambling, and golf!"
I was walking through the park and I saw an old guy doing Tai Chi.
I watched him for a while, marvelling at his moves.
Only when I got closer did I see it was a tramp trying to put on his coat.
A tramp stopped me in the street and asked if I had any loose change.
I jiggled my trouser pocket and said, "It appears that I do."
I thanked him for his interest and walked on
I'd love to help the homeless people....
I just don't know where they live.
I was in London the other day and this tramp came up to me and said, "Mister, I haven't tasted food in a week."
I said, "Don't worry, it still tastes the same."
79% of accidents happen in the home. Finally, good news for the homeless.
A man approached me in the street.
"Can you spare 20p please? I'm homeless."
I said, "You won't find a house for 20 pence around here mate."
I was wondering if my shoes looked too tight because everytime I walk through town I seem to get some homeless crack junky asking me if I want to buy a bigger shoe.
I came out of Woolworths the other day and saw a scruffy bloke.He was playing the guitar and singing, "When I was young, seemed like life was so wonderful, a miracle, it was beautiful, magical."
I said, "That's Supertramp", he said, "Ah thanks very much".
Saw a hobo walking down the street the other day wearing only one shoe.
"You alright mate?" I asked "Have you lost your shoe?"
He replied "No I found one..."
Some smelly homeless loser stopped me in the street yesterday and asked " 'ave you got ten pence for a cup of tea guv?" so I said " yes here's twenty, get me one"
A pub landlord is shutting up for the night when there is a knock at the door. When he answers, a Tramp asks him for a tooth-pick. He gives him the toothpick and the tramp goes off.
A few minutes later there is a second knock. When he answers, there is a second Tramp who also asks for a toothpick. He gets his toothpick and off he goes.
There is a third knock at the door, and a third Tramp. The landlord says, "Don't tell me, you want a toothpick too."
"No, a straw," says the Tramp.
The landlord gives him a straw but is curious as to why he wants it, so he asks the Tramp why he wants a straw and not a toothpick.
To which the Tramp replies, "Some bloke just threw up outside but all the good stuff's gone already".
I asked a pretty, young, homeless woman if I could take her home, and she said yes with a big smile.
The look on her face soon changed when I walked off with her cardboard box.
Unbelievable. Tories in power for less than half an hour and already a Scottish family is unemployed and homeless.
A homeless guy just approached me asking for change.
I said, "Oh yeah, pal, asking me for money but I see you can afford those trendy jeans with the rips in."