My Nigerian friend has recieved an email saying that hes won 165m in the English Lottery.

So Derren Brown predicted the lottery tonight?
Big deal, I've predicted which numbers wont come up twice a week for 10 years!

If I'd have picked 6 different numbers I would have won the lottery last night.
Couldn't believe it.

So what if Derren Brown can predict the lottery numbers.
It turns out that I can as well.
But unlike him, I won 2.4 million pounds tonight.

I've decided that, if I ever win the lottery, I won't let the money change me.
I'll leave that to the plastic surgeons.

When the lottery first started, I'd pick the numbers after my wife's age, weight and vital statistics.
I no longer play the lottery.

My mate asked, "What would you buy yourself if you won the lottery?"
"Acting lessons probably."
"Act..Why?"
"I'd like to be convincing when anybody asks me if I have any money."

I won a tidy sum on the lottery and gave my homeless brother a new home.
It was the box from my new 65" TV.

I won the Lottery last night.
I haven't told the wife yet, I can't use my phone on the plane.

Can you believe it?
This guy wins 181m lottery on Wednesday, and then finds the love of his life just two days later. Talk about luck!

What's better than winning the lottery?
Winning it the day after your divorce comes through.

Imagine winning 161 million in the lottery, you could buy anything you ever wanted.
Except a neck.

My mate said, "If I won 161 million on the lottery, I'd buy Greece for a laugh."
I said, "What would you spend the other 160 million on?"

My mate asked me, "What's the first thing you would do if you won the lottery?"
I replied, "Collect the winnings."

My son asked me if I would buy him a new bike.
I said: "Son, if you really want something in life you have to work for it."
Then I told him to be quiet because they were just about to announce the lottery numbers

They say there's more chance of dying on the way to place the lottery than actually winning.
That's why I always send my wife.
Win-Win.

For the first time in ten years I didn't manage to make it to the newsagent to put my lottery numbers on yesterday, and would you believe it... saved myself a quid.

I recorded last week's lottery and, knowing the result, bought my wife a ticket for Wednesday's draw.
When she thinks she's won she'll have a heart-attack.
That'll get her back for burning my toast.

So a Scottish couple have won 161 million on the Euromillions...
Unlucky Greece, better luck next month

My wife told me if she ever won the Lottery she wouldn't give me a penny and she'd move out of the country.
Little does she know I've been using the same numbers as her for 5 years.
That'll wipe the smile off her fat face

The Euromillions winner has not come forward yet.
No surprise there; I'd still be telling my boss what I think of him.

I don't think I'm ever going to win the lottery.
I can't even pick the pen that works from a choice of two at the lottery stand.

"BBC NEWS - Colin & Chris Weir - 161 MILLION POUNDS!"
They also won the lottery you know?

"We don't want to hire unlucky people!" said the interviewer and randomly discarded half of the applications.

After winning the lottery I thought, the first thing I'm going to do is fill my car with fuel.
Then that dream was shattered as they announced that there had been two lucky jackpot winners.