If I ever win the lottery, all of my neighbours are going to be so rich!
I'm going to move to a rich neighbourhood.

In Nigeria, how do you know if you've really won the lottery?

I just heard the incredible news that the joint winners of the Euromillions jackpot are BT workers in Liverpool................ I could hardly believe it,. people in Liverpool with jobs!!

Ever played the Eskimo lottery?
You have to be Inuit to win it.

A national newspaper has reported that the couple who won the Euromillions jackpot have been forced to flee their home and are now "...on the run."
I would suggest that "...on the waddle..." might be more accurate.

My wife said, "I don't know what I'd say if you ever won the lottery."
I said, "Oh, there's three little words that spring to mind."
She said, "I love you?"
I said, "No... where's he gone?"

Whenever I see a girl put her newly bought lottery ticket down her bra for safe keeping, I feel the urge to go for a lucky dip.

What do pancakes and people have in common?
If they're black, they're failed.

My sister walked in with a smile on her face holding hands with some bloke she had just met.
She said, "Guess what mum, my date didn't show up but it turned out for the best."
My mum asked, "Oh that's nice hun, who's the lucky guy?"
I said, "The one that didn't show."

I threw my cat into a swimming pool filled with milk.
He did a few laps.