01:00 to 02:00 this morning. Now there's an hour of my life I'll never get back.

I was walking through the park when a woman asked for the time.
So I looked at the the sun and said, "It's 8.45pm, miss."
She was so amazed she asked me out for a drink, I'll not tell her the sun was setting beside a clock tower.

I was driving to a football game with my wife when we saw a fan laying by the side of the road in a pool of blood.
As we got out of the car to help him my wife said, "Poor guy, I don't think he's going to make it."
"Yeah, it's tragic," I replied, "Kick off is in 30 minutes and he's still 10 miles from the ground.

I've already set my clock back, because I'd rather have the extra hour now,
While I'm awake to enjoy it.

You know you take too many drugs when your cat has a better sleeping pattern than you.

Yesterday I saw Back to the Future, and I got so influenced by the movie that I took my car on the road and drove it at maximum speed, trying to go back in time.
And, in a way, it worked. Thanks to the police, I was able to return to a time before I had my license.

After ten years of hard work I finally finished making my time machine today.
So I went back ten years in time and it only took me two minutes.

It would be funny to make your facebook status "OMG IT ACTUALLY WORKS" and then 5 minutes later make another facebook status that says "Well, I'm gonna test out this time machine"

The girlfriend just said to me "Is it really 7 o' clock? I thought it was earlier than that".
"It was", I replied.

I don't know why I put my watch forward last night.
I was never that good at poker anyway.

What did the Rolex say to the sun-dial?
"How's it going old timer?"

My watch tells the time in four different countries.
Scotland, England, Wales and even Portugual.

So people in the East Coast of America die sooner than the poeple in the West Coast.
...Normally by about 3 hours.

I think the wife's finally flipped.
She must be the worlds slowest pancake maker.

I've been putting off telling my wife that I broke the expensive watch she bought me.
Its never the right time.

I was sat in my car the other day waiting for my missus to come out of the train station. I got a text saying her train was delayed, so I put the heating on and shut my eyes. Every 20 minutes I had somebody knocking on my window asking for the time, so eventually I wrote on a notepad "I DO NOT HAVE THE TIME" and put it on my dashboard, not 15 minutes goes past when somebody woke me up, knocking on my window shouting "It's 10 past 4 mate!"

Nothing says i'm a dyslexic cowboy than ordering a drink in a salon.

Think I put my clock back too far.
My mum just asked me to the Enchantment Under the Sea dance.

I invented a time machine but it only takes you back in time.
The guy in the patents office couldn't see any future in it.

I wish you were here... in my room... on my bed... with the lights off... under the blanket... so I can show you my new watch that glows in the dark!

The last time I went to the doctors he told me that I was going blind.
I haven't seen him since.

Time really flies by.
Seems like only yesterday I was just a young apprentice-bater.

Oh well, I've Just looked at the clock and decided to call it a day. Which is stupid because it's a clock!

My wife left me a week ago because of my ridiculous grasp of time.
It's been the loneliest million hours of my life.

My favourite clock has just stopped.
I'm going to have a day of morning.