On a recent holiday to Egypt, I was stopped and offered 150 camels in exchange for my wife.
I told him 'No thanks' and away we walked.
'You must really love me.' My wife said while we walked.
I think that's what she said anyway, I was still shuddering at the cost of shipping home 150 camels.

I went camping recently, outside the compound a sign red:
"Toilet Roll, Don't Come Without It!"
Obviously never heard of bukkake...

I switched my wife's sun lotion for cooking oil.
Now my holiday isn't ruined by having to touch her at night.

Just took my pet ostrich on a beach holiday, cant help thinking hes not getting the most out of it!!

I walked into the house and handed her a holiday brochure and she said excitedly, "What's this?"
"You know what you said about always wanting to see the Leaning Tower of Pisa?"
"Yeah."
"Turn to page 12, there's a picture of it there."

My kids were thrilled when I told them I was taking them on a Mickey Mouse holiday this year.
I don't know why they are looking forward to Grimsby so much.

Whenever anyone goes to Italy and sees the leaning tower of Pisa they do that lame holding it up pose for the camera. Why does no-one move further out so it looks about thigh height and do the old spreading the cheeks over it pose?

There was a sign outside my hotel in Warsaw:
"English, French, Spanish, German, Russian and Italian spoken here."
I tried to make myself understood in several of those languages, without success. In the end, using broken Polish, I asked one of the waiters to tell me who actually spoke all the languages on the sign.
"Only the guests," he said.

I'm just back from vacation in Ireland and i've bought a souvenir. It was quite expensive but i think 99 euros for Dublin was worth the money.

I booked a flight the other day and the lady said, " What side do you want to sit on" and I said " The inside"

Booked myself a holiday in Spain today.
Should've just used a travel agent in England, took me ages to get here.

I hate the school holidays.
It's only 9o'clock in the morning and there's kids playing football in the street already.
I wish they would go find something better to do,and let me drink my beer in peace.

My friend bungee jumped off Blackpool pier.
I was quite impressed.
I would not dare go to Blackpool.

When we get back from being abroad on holiday. My wife always
reminds me of a christmas decoration.
Round, red, shiny and covered in cheap gold.

My wife came home and told me that she had booked us a holiday and it would involve getting on a plane in two weeks.
She added, "I know how excited you can get but do try not to show me up."
I didn't have time to be annoyed with her comment as I only had 13 sleeps and I needed to pack.

Me and the wife were going on holiday for a week. When we were packing she turned to me and said "Why don't we pack each other's suit cases?"
I said "Okay sounds fun." When we got ourselves checked into the hotel we were staying at, I opened my suitcase to find 3 pairs of speedos, a few tank tops and 2 pairs of sandals. "Very funny" I said.
My wife opened hers to find a one way ticket back to England.

For my Wifes Xmas I booked us a weeks holiday in Sharm el Sheikh.
As a wee extra I've just signed her up for a 1 week intensive Scuba Diving course.

You know there's nothing in this world that makes me feel quite as happy as when I told my kids that we where going to disneyland for our holidays this year
It's not the excitement in their faces or how happy they where, it was the total devestation when I told them it was disneyland paris

I'm extremely proud of my wife after successfully swimming the Channel.
I was with her all the way, shouting my support from the boat through a megaphone.
I'm just sorry I couldn't afford a second ferry ticket.

A word of warning to women, if you don't want to spend 2 weeks in the desert, sleeping inside a dead camel.
then don't ask us to book a honeymoon while watching bear grylls!

I've just come back from the greatest holiday ever. I'm just reliving the sensation of people watching in complete calm and relaxation by the sea, the hot sun beating down and oblivion of drifting off with the head in a good book ...
I never did see the wife or her Lilo again, once it went out of sight.

My drugs councillor has suggested that a holiday would strengthen my will power and reduce my anxiety.
AMSTERDAM...Here I come!

Went on holiday to Australia last week & I was asked at customs whether I had a criminal record
"Didn't know it was still compulsory" I replied.

Last Friday, during my trip round the USA, I stopped off in Michigan for a crazy night out.
It's fair to say by the end of the night I was in a pretty awful state.

They say Santa can't come while you're awake. He didn't seem to have that problem when I sat on his knee when I was 8...