In the coming New Year, both Groundhog Day and the American State of the Union address will occur on the same day. It's an ironic juxtaposition of events: one involves a meaningless ritual in which they look to an insignificant creature of little intelligence for prognostication, while the other involves a groundhog.
"ive just booked a trip around the world for our anniversary" i told my wife
"cant we go somewhere else ?" she asked
I couldn't book my holiday because the sign on the window at the travel agent said: GO AWAY!
Me, my brother and parents went on a holiday to the lake district last week. There was a constant whining noise all the way there.
To sort the problem, my dad kicked my mom out at the service station.
A hotter version England with more alcohol and police who don't give a toss.
CAMP AMERICA - 3 week summer camp holiday for kids.
Is there one for straight kids as well?
You can now actually pay to go and stay in a Guantanamo Bay mock-up prison.
It's called Butlins and it's in Skegness.
"I've just got back from a fantastic holiday with friends in Italy."
"Well, I don't know them that well..."
I managed to take my missus away for her birthday, and as a special treat I managed to get us one of those luxury sweets.
What they called? Werthers Originals.
We ate it in our tent.
Just got back from my holiday in France, everyone there was friendly, polite and co-operative.
Typical French, refusing to live up to their comedy stereotypes.
My New Year resolutions this year are to gain a ton of weight, start smoking, never volunteer, emotionally distance myself from friends and family, and be completely closed-minded about everything.
That way, next years resolutions should pretty much write themselves.
I was at the beach when I saw a bloke with a donkey and a sign reading "Rides from 2.50"
So I paid my money and jumped on.
We got about halfway down the promenade and I was loving it. I didn't want it to end but he said he had to get back to his donkey.
I went to Blackpool on holiday and knocked at the first boarding house that I came to.
A women stuck her head out of an upstairs window and said 'What do you want?'.
'I'd like to stay here'
'Ok. Stay there'
Oh I miss being a kid. Listening for the big fat red guy, eagerly awaiting his bulging sack to be unloaded all over. Of course then my uncle would go home and then we got excited about Christmas.
I arrived back off my holidays yesterday and I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area.
I went to the lost luggage office and reported the loss. The blonde behind the counter smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and said I was in good hands.
'Now,' she asked me, 'has your plane arrived yet..?'
Getting my mother in law to accept the free holiday was easy!!
The hard part is convincing her that dignitas is swiss for "spa"
I turned to my mate and said, "You know, there should be a World Bacon Day."
"That's brilliant!" He said, "It'd be like having two Christmases in one year!"
"I know, something else those filthy Jews can't celebrate."
I went to Glastonbury and had some awful experiences. The smell of urine and faeces, vomit on the floor and everywhere was soaked. We really shouldn't have stopped at a Travel Lodge on the way back.
My mate has just came back from holiday today, he's looking like a total Paki.
I still don't know why he's wearing that turban, though.
I'm taking a gap year next year...
...then a nike year, followed by a reebok year.
"My wife's gone to Jordan"
"No, she's just got big hands, but you're not the first to ask."
"In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face, it wont help at all but at least we wont hear you screaming"
I came home tonight and said to the wife, "Guess what babe? I've booked us a holiday!"
She said, "You're kidding! Where are we going?"
I said,"Well let me put it this way. Do you like camel trekking?"
She said, "Oh my God! India? Africa?"
I said, "No, Blackpool. It's the cheapest way to get there."
My friend was off on holiday for a week so I bid him farewell:-
"See you later mate, don't do anything I'd do!"
"Don't you mean 'Don't do anything I wouldn't do?'"
"Um, well unless you'd do your mum and your ten year old sister then, no."
I don't think I'll be seeing much of him anymore.
How to spice up a beach holiday
-Put a fin on your back and pretend to be a shark.
-Get out of the water and act mentally handicapped.
-Repeat until no one reacts to the sight of a fin.
-Unleash a Great White shark into the water.
-Sit back and watch the drama unfold.