The hotel I was staying at last night screwed up my booking so they had to put me in the honeymoon suite.
It was excellent. I was staying with a lovely young couple from Devon.

Whats the betting that most of these people moaning about being stuck abroad are the same people who usually come back and complain that a week wasn't long enough.

BBC News: UK Families Travel Hundreds Of Miles A Year With Day Trips For Kids
Say what you like about Josef Fritzl. At least he had a low carbon footprint.

I've just come back from a diving holiday in Egypt.
It cost me an arm and a leg.

I was looking for cheap flights online and tried to log into 'skynet.com'
I've just had some big Austrian bloke at the door asking if I know someone called Sarah Connor.

My girlfriend was flirting with everyone while we were on holiday in Belarus.
The little Minsk.

I told my wife to spin the globe, put her finger on it and wherever it lands that will be the holiday destination.
''Ooooo!'' she says excited, ''Looks like its the Caribbean.''
''Great .'' I replied, ''Now lets see where I'm going.''

During a recent trip to Glasgow, I laid eyes on the most beautiful sight I ever saw in my life.
It was a sign that said "You are now leaving Glasgow."

My sister is going on holiday tomorrow.
I'm so jealous; Heathrow sounds lovely at this time of year.

If you've ever been single on valentines day, you'll know what its like to be diabetic at easter..

Summer vacations: where you drink triple, see double and act single.

A man walks into his hotel's lift. The operator asks, "Which floor son?"
"17th" replies the man.
"No problem son" says the operator.
As they approached the 17th floor the operator said, "Enjoy the rest of your stay son"
"Why do you keep calling me son?!" asks the man.
"Well, I brought you up didn't I?" replies the Operator.

About to pay a deposit on a well-earned holiday in the Romanian capital.
I'm going to Bucharest.

After a win on the lottery I decided on a round the world trip and I kept a diary.
Went to France saw the tower in Paris, It was an eyeful.
Went to Denmark saw Lego land. I didn't know what to make of it.
Went to China saw the wall. It was great.
Went to Egypt saw the pyramids at Giza, it was really foggy. I didn't see the point.
Went to Arizona in the U.S saw the canyon. It was grand.
Went to San Francisco saw the Golden Gate Bridge. I couldn't get over it.
Went to Big Island in Hawaii saw the lava fields. That was pretty hot.
Went to Jordan. It was the lowest point of the trip.
Saw Petra, amazing, That memory is carved in stone.
Went to Israel saw the salt filled sea. Not a very popular spot it was dead.
Went to Italy. Trekked up Mount Etna. That was a high point.
Went to The Optimists cave in Ukaine. It was all I'd hoped it would be.
It was a once in a life time trip, I enjoyed it but won't be going again.

Summer holidays are great....
The 6 weeks where I can share a website with young school kids and not get reported.

I've just got back from my 3 week holiday in India and after being there for a whole 3 weeks, I missed England a bit.
So I have vowed to be more English than before, and I already have a head start.
I'm brown.

The girl at the RyanAir check-in desk said, "Window or aisle?"
I replied, "Window or you'll what?"

I wanted to sue the airline because they damaged my luggage.
I showed the badly damaged remains to my lawyer.
He said, "You don't have much of a case."

I was arguing with the wife about holidays the other day.
I want to go to Morocco, she wants to come with me.

My wife's going on a vacation to 'get a break from my constant jealousy'.
I wish I was going on a vacation..

No one ever mentions the 1000 miles of trouble free luxury cruising before the iceberg.....

After a terrible six year battle with cancer, my wife lay on her deathbed. Unfortunately I could not make out her last words.
You don't get a very good signal in the Caribbean and the jet ski was a little loud.

I once went on an 18-30 holiday, which was fun, but 12yrs is just too long.

My wife and I just had a blazing argument over the phone.
She's accusing me of being a money waster and now she's genuinely worried that the kids will miss out this Christmas.
It's put a real dampener on my trip to Las Vegas.

Lying on the beach this girl asked me to spray her back.
Bit of a misunderstanding and now I'm in police custody