I wrote a book on coffee.
Without it I would never have met the deadline.

That Jeffrey Archer looks like he's got a temper on him.
I'd hate to be in his bad books.

i've just finished reading a book about a well-loved but ill dog, it was really hard to put it down

Can anybody think of a different word for thesaurus?
Hang on, let me just check my onomasticon.

Guinness world records.
Proof that before something amazing,
there must first be alcohol.

If I was an author I'd write books for kids.
Smaller audience.

The last Harry Potter film was so predictable.
I could read it like a book!

Mr Samuel Johnston had just published the first proper English dictionary. A grand lady congratulated him for not including curse words. "Ah, " replied Johnston, "You have been looking for them, I presume."

Ever notice how Voldemort has a diary, necklace, ring, tiara and an obsession with a famous teenage boy? No one but me finds this awkward, apparently.

I've just started reading a book called "Jokes for Dummies."
Chapter 1 : Learning ventriloquism.

I got angry when my girlfriend wouldn't tell me about the book she was reading.
I beat 50 shades of grey out of her.

I joined my mates in the pub to find them going on about elves, wizards and hobbits.
I have no idea what they're Tolkien about.

Just finished reading the girl who kicked the hornets nest,it wasn't that good but the part were she got stung to death was hilarious.

I spent a few hours in The Red Room of Pain last week,
queuing in the Post Office for my road tax.

A friend told me "50 Shades of Grey is a great way to silence your wife". So i bought a copy and beat her to death with it.............

A Man walks into a library and asks for a book on Bandwagon's
He Jumped on it

Before I go to sleep I always do some light reading. It's a lot easier than dark reading.

My girlfriend has left me because I spend all my time reading ebooks.
I dont want to lose my relationship so I am hoping to re-kindle it.

I'm really not looking forward to having to tell my friend that he's not been chosen to play the prince in my upcoming production of Snow White.
He's going to be Grumpy.

I went to see Twilight: New Moon because it is meant to be a modern take on Romeo and Juliet.
I was so disappointed when Edward and Bella didn't kill themselves.

My favourite character in The Jungle Book is Kaa the python, but then Mr Kipling did make exceedingly good snakes.

I read a book called "The Swimming Pool".
It started off shallow but had a very deep end to it.

I was looking for a Where's Wally joke the other day but I couldn't find it.

It turns out, if you lay out every book in a Waterstones branch, you get thrown out by security.

50 shades of day.
And that concludes the scottish weather report for the next 1,000,000 years.