I've just finished Great Expectations and I have to say I was a little disappointed.

Have you heard about the library in America that has burned down?
Its awful, both books were destroyed and worse still one hadn't been coloured in yet.

Some authors write in first person and others write in third person. But I'm writing my book in fifth person, so every sentence starts out with: 'I heard from this guy who told somebody....'

My problem is it takes me five weeks to read the book of the month.

Department of Health has forbidden selling and spreading Alan Milne's book "Winnie the Pooh", because this advocates narcotics and this kind of lifestyle.
Anne Milton, Parliamentary Under Secretary of State for Public Health says that every single character in Milne's book is doing drugs or is under influence of drugs.
1. Eeyore the Donkey doesn't care about anything, his reactions are slow and he has lack of motivation - clearly he's doing weed.
2. Piglet is afraid of everything and thinks he's being followed - fly agaric.
3. Rabbit stucks his nose everywhere and he needs everything - cocaine.
4. Tigger can't stand still for a second, he's always jumping around and yelling - ecstasy.
5. Christopher Robbin can speak with animals, which means, he has hallucinogens.
6. Winnie the Pooh loves sweets and has unlimited fantasy - LSD
7. Owl, who always comes to help when needed is clearly the dealer.

After reading the Stieg Larrson books "The girl with the dragon tattoo" "The girl who kicked the hornets nest" and "The girl who played with fire" I cant help but get excited for the next two books in the series.
"The girl who swam after eating" and "The girl who ran with scissors".

My Christian friend has the nerve to tell me the Harry Potter books are far fetched.
He says he hates fiction books about magic, virgins, ghosts and a man who can't die.

I'm writing a book about Zoophilia.
It's called the farmersutra.

"Good God Holmes!"
"What is it Watson?"
"We seemed to have forgotten our Christian names."

Dave Freeman who wrote 100 Things To Do Before You Die has died before completing his list.
Maybe he should have put "fall and hit head" at number 100 and not 51.

Just back from the nightclub with DJ Sauron...
It was Mordor on the dancefloor.

Some of the worlds smallest books:
My plan to find the real killers.
by OJ Simpson
Guide to dating etiquette.
by Mike Tyson
Things I cannot afford.
by Bill Gates
My little book of personal hygiene.
by Osama Bin Laden
Things I love about Bill.
by Hillary Clinton

So Sickipedia have released an American version of the book.
I imagine this is pages of yo mamma jokes with maps to McDonald's.

I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and I think, "Well, that's not going to happen."

Ahhhhh........Oral in the morning, Role play in the afternoon.
I better start revising for these French tests.

I've read about a third of a dictionary now but I'm still only on 'Introduction'.

I'm trying to read a book about the world's smallest house.
It's hard to get into.

I was telling my mate that the wife made me tie her up and abuse her.
"Did she read 50 Shades Of Grey, then?" he asked.
"No," I said, "she forgot to get me a beer when I got home from work."

My flatmate borrowed my thesaurus without asking.
I'll be having serious words later.

I've just read a book called "Treasure Island"
Otherwise known as "How to claim benefits for Immigrants"

"Not Wally, Not Wally, Not Wally, Not Wally, Not Wally, Not Wally, Not Wally, Not Wally, Wally, Not Wally..."
Where's Wally Audiobook

I spent almost an hour at the bookstore yesterday signing books.
Which was pretty good, since they caught me after just 25 minutes the last time.

After being escorted out of Kings Cross station with concussion I'm beginning to think my Hogwarts acceptance letter was a hoax.

I hope my new book does well.
It's called "How to be concise and get straight to the point using the minimum of diminutive words necessary to convey your meaning as clearly as possible without overly long descriptions and explanations."

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman: "Where's the self-help section?"
She said that if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.