My wife says I spend too much time on Facebook.
According to her wall post, anyway.

When someone asks you for account details on the phone, "200 years old, sharp teeth, hates wooden stakes" is an unacceptable answer.

Imagine God's face when he checked his inbox...

If you count vocals everyone can play an instrument because everyone can hum and talk.
Well in that case Stephen Hawking can play keyboard.

'Talk is cheap', people say.
But not the same people who are on 'Vodafone'.

Girlfriend: Their you go again!
Me: *There.
Girlfriend: And another thing; you always have to be so... pedanty.
Me: *Pedantic.

I hate when your insulting someone over text and predictive makes it come out wrong.
You always end up looking like a right count.

Sky have brought out a new version of their HD box that saves energy by going into standby mode after 12 hours.
It's called a Sky Tasmin Archer Box or "sleeping satellite" as the engineers like to call it.

Thank God for public phone boxes as I still use them.
They're the only places I can talk in private on my mobile these days.

Just heard about Apples new app which lets you order a pizza, anywhere, from your Iphone. I reckon I must have got a special one because mine already does this.

Ironically, the more someone uses the word 'like' in a conversation, the more I feel the opposite about them.

Was trying to explain to my gran who was sitting in the chair with the cat on her lap, for over an hour, how her new iPhone worked.
I think I did a pretty good job because the cat just called.

The wife loves her iPhone, so I've decided to get her even more attached to it with the latest optional extra - Velcro backing - which means she can drop that silly Bluetooth earpiece.
It's absolutely perfect for her sideburns.

A quick way to start a conversation is to say something like, 'What's your favorite colour?'
A quick way to end a conversation is to say something like, 'What's your favorite colour person?'

I got a message on my mobile about the future. It was predictive texting.

My wife said " We don't seem to understand each other these days. Why can't we just get along?"
"A long what?" I asked.

Dear, Chicken. I have no idea why everyone wants to know why you crossed the road, I'm not impressed.
Sincerely,
The cow that jumped over the moon.

Cheryl Cole has been axed from The X Factor by Simon Cowel, because people couldn't understand her accent.
Shame we can't have Simon in charge of telephone banking in the UK?

My inability to use emoticons correctly is really getting me down :)

Never tell a woman that she is over-reacting.....
She'll only over-react

I have created a Twitter account called "The Yellow Brick Road" and I am going to follow it

I'm more of a haha than an lol kinda person
But sometimes I actually meet real people!

My wife sobbingly said "Nothing I do makes any sense anymore."
"Stop talking nonsense" I said.

Anyone else get seriously excited when they receive their first text message for about a month, then rapidly that excitement goes when they find out it's from Orange.

Excellent personality test: type in 'coal' to your predictive text and see what comes up first.