I've recently started work as a mobile mechanic and drive around in a tow truck all day.
I don't know why I need a big truck, most of the time I just change the battery or wiggle the Sim card about.
A young lady went to a local psychic.
"Who would you like to contact, my dear?" The psychic asked.
"My mother," she replied.
"Wait there, I think I'm getting something. Yes, yes, she's here - your mother's spirit is here."
"Yes, it's your mother, she's here."
"Mother, is it really you?"
"Your mother says, 'Don't worry dear,' that she loves you and she wants you to get on with your life."
"Oh good," replied the young lady. "Can she hear me?"
"Yes, my child, your mother's spirit can hear you."
"Okay, Mum, just to let you know I have no change for a phone call, and I need you to know I won't be back for dinner as I'm staying over at Eric's, so see you some time tomorrow, love you."
What's all this fuss about 3D TV all of a sudden?
My TV's always been 3-dimensional.
I've just spent 2 hours on the phone comforting my friend who got dumped and I think I've been really helpful.
But Vodafone's taken all the credit.
I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
I keep getting these annoying texts. You know the ones where they keep sending more and more of them. I finally had enough today and sent STOP to the offending number.
Didn't work though; just got a reply saying something about missing our wedding day.
My wife said she's leaving me because 'I'm not an effective communicator.'
I'll e-mail her about it tomorrow.
All these Facebook statuses about X Factor are ridiculous, I cant believe how no one has commented on how Robson Green just caught his biggest catch yet on Extreme Fishing.
I've decided that I want my children to have a traditional childhood, so I spent last Sunday showing my son how you could communicate at distances of up to half a mile using just two empty baked bean cans and a length of string.
I was having a brilliant time, until I got a text message from him to say that it was working.
Sky called me today and asked for some customer feedback...
...so I squealed down the phone at them.
My mate came up to me the other day and asked, "How's it going?"
"Same old, same old," I replied. "Yourself?" I added.
"Can't complain," he said.
Blokes: Saying nothing in particular since the dawn of time.
When asked "What would be your dream job once leaving school?" in a recent poll, 99% of 11-16 year olds wrote:
"My dreem is too wurk in a sweat shop!"
Say what you like about the kids of today, they may be illiterate but they aren't scared of hard work!
My wife left the computer for a few seconds and came back in accusing me of tampering with her emails!
I quickly changed the subject.
The iPad: Because the iPhone was too small for other people to notice you.
LG smart phones...for those who can't afford iPhones...
Or a BlackBerry...
Or a Nokia...
Or an Ericsson...
Or 2 cups and a piece of string.
My girlfriend asked me for a new phone, similar to a blackberry or an iPhone.
So I gave her a black-i.
Historians have discovered that human rights activist Malcolm X was actually just called Malcolm, but he was rather affectionate at the end of his text messages.
What's the difference between Call of Duty: Black Ops and a restaurant?
A restaurant usually has a good host and servers that work.
My girlfriend told me last night that I spend far too much time texting.
I just tilted my head sideways and smiled at her.
Text Message: "Hi from Orange. Would you like to give to the Haiti Earthquake Fund..."
Dad: "Haha Orange sent me a joke"
I called the tax office earlier and the guy told me to hold the line for a few minutes.
When he finally came back to the phone, I had to congratulate him.
Hats off to the lad, he could play piano like Mozart.
Did you know that iPhones have had a recent update allowing users to monitor their weight due to Apple installing scales onto the phone, so go on... step on and see your weight!
I saved an absolute fortune using 118 118.
I asked them to text me the phone number of a directory enquiries service that doesn't charge 1.70 per query.
I saw the results of a phone-in poll this morning:
Do you think computer games make children more violent?
62% of people said no, 23% said yes, and 15% said don't know.
It's not the poll that alarms me, it's the fact that 15% of people rang up to say that they didn't know!
Did you know that the mobile phone is the only thing in the world which blokes argue over who's got the smallest?