Picking a lock is very difficult
There were two in B&Q that I could decide between.

Apparently Tesco have been aided by a well-known budget supermarket to get them through the credit crunch.
Well, every Lidl helps.

Special offers mean a great deal to me.

So Primark has pulled padded bikinis for 7 year olds, now my niece has nothing to go with her crotchless pants.

I was in the supermarket earlier today looking to buy some salted peanuts, but all they had was unsalted.
I mean, thats just plain nuts.

Who says I am afraid of commitment? This is a bag for life.

I was in the shop waving my hands at the shopkeeper, then I picked up some wine and signaled to him.
He said, "Are you being served?"
I said, "No, Last of the summer wine, but good guess."

I thought they'd started filming the sequel to Shaun Of The Dead on my local High Street at the weekend.
Turns out it was just the queue for Poundland.

Tesco - 1.50 for 2 litres
Asda - 1.99 for 2x 2 litres
Sainsburys - 2.00 for 2 litres
Iceland - 50 a gram.

I've got a pair of shoes for every day of the year.
In fact I'm wearing them right now.

Whoever said "good things come to those who wait" have obviously never shopped at PC World

Last night my wife reminded me that it was our daughters birthday today and told me to go get her something. She also asked if i could get her a box of tissues because our son had a cold and some lube for later. So i popped off to the store and found my daughter a Miley Cyrus concert dvd, to which i took up to the counter along with the lube and a box of tissues.
Safe to say i am never going back there again...

After TK Maxx's ill-fated free penknife with every coat promotion, they have also had to shelve plans to attract Muslims into the store by offering a free bomb with every rucksack

I wrote a letter to the Royal Mail complaining about their services.
They didn't receive it.

Walking through ASDA the other day I saw a Hannah Montana doll on the shelf.
As i looked at the doll the only words that stood out on the box were "Try Me"

'Poundland - Everything for 1!'
What a scam! The other day when I brought everything to the checkout, the total came to 9,273.

I accidently put my vegetable shopping in the same bag as my electronics.
Now my Wii smells of asparagus.

''Hi, Welcome to Hollister, Would you like a torch?''

When you post something with royal mail, it technically belongs to the Queen, Im posting a block of hash and getting her done for possession.

When people see me and my wife, they always think we're so in love. I think it's because we're always holding hands.
The thing is, if I let go, she shops.

I would like to congratulate Tesco on their new record breaking bio degradeable shopping bags.
My bags started degrading before i even got in the car.
Nice one Tesco.

First 'Habitable' planet found.Tesco have already applied for planning permission

When in ASDA buying grapes, take one grape to the "serve yourself" till. When it is weighed it won't register on the scales so you will get it for free. Repeat this procedure a hundred times or so, and hey, presto! You have yourself a free bunch of grapes.

How come every time Argos bring out a catalogue it has 5000 new items in it
Yet the catalogue never gets any bigger?

You know you're poor when you have to check the price tags in Primark.