Can you believe these bag for life schemes in supermarkets?
How can they consider that a fair trade?

Went shopping to Morrison's today and they've introduced free, electric mobility scooters. What a fantastic idea...
...I felt like I was on holiday in the States.

I went to Games Workshop today.
I wasn't buying anything; I just wanted to watch the people who were to boost my self-esteem.

My butcher backed into his bacon slicer.
He's ok but he's got a little behind with his orders.

Judging by their adverts, getting your shopping through the checkout at Somerfield would take the best part of a day.

They say 'never forget your roots'
I guess its no surprise then, that Al Fayeds shop Harrods is on a corner.

Trampoline required urgently, any condition, shape or size to replace mine that has been stolen.
Please deliver and place it under me before I start to fall.

Told the wife I'd bought her something black, plastic and 8 inches long for her birthday.
The look on her face when she unwrapped a new roll of bin bags...

I like to dress my son up in a red and white T-shirt and then lose him in Sainsburys.
It's like real life Where's Wally!

I said to the young girl serving in Woolworths today,
"If this doesn't fit, can i bring it back after christmas"?
Will not shop there ever again.

Just seen an advert for the Next 2 day sale.
I wish they would tell me when it is.

At my local supermarket we have to pay to park so everyone just gives each other their tickets if there is a reasonable amount of time left on them.
I do the same but with out of date tickets. It makes my job as a traffic warden much more rewarding.

I got held up in traffic last night and arrived home about half an hour later than usual.
By the time I got back the ground floor of my house had already been converted into a Tesco Express.

I applied for a job at my local '99p Store' and was pleased to get a telephone interview.
"Can you confirm you are a full British Citizen?" the interviewer asked.
"I am indeed, have been since I was born" I replied.
"I'm sorry, you're not what we're looking for"

My wife asked me to leave her a reminder in the kitchen when we ran out of milk.
So I killed the cat and left it on the table for her.

My Butcher is selling meat on hire purchase.
But you have to have a joint account.

I've heard that supermarkets waft bakery smells around the store to subconsciously encourage customers to buy bread. I can only conclude that my local Lidl supermarket is trying to encourage its customers to buy toilet rolls!

The finest larceny and replication that only an economic disaster can give rise to. Covered over and over again by the finest joke thieves until the joke is no longer funny. This is no ordinary duplicate: this is an M&S duplicate.

I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one.
So I got a cake.

It doesn't matter how old you are, you'll always try and get your quid back by trying to bend the trolley chain round the bar.

My wife spends so much time shopping online, I'm beginning to think our wedding vows were "to love, honour and eBay".

What do you get when you cross a scanner with a barcode?
Beep.

I fancied some tea the other day.
Boy, it sure is difficult to walk through Tesco with a hard on.

In the 17th Century the 'black market' was a different thing all together.

I used to work in an art supply store. We sold artists' canvas by the yard, and you could get it in either of two widths: 36 inches or 48 inches.
Customer: "Can you please cut some canvas for me?"
Me: "Certainly, what width?"
Customer: (confused and slightly annoyed) "Uh, Scissors?"