70% off everything in Woolworths today.
It's not even worth shoplifting there now.

I sold some odds and ends on eBay the other day to the Pope.
I knew it was him, because he used his papal account.

I went into the general store today.
They wouldn't let me buy anything specific.

A Leb entered an discount appliance store in Box Hill and said to the Asian salesman, "I want to buy that TV." The Asian salesman said to him, "I don't sell to Lebs."
Angry, the Leb left, determined to buy the TV. He waited three days, grew a beard, and then entered the store again. He found a different Asian salesman and said that he wanted to buy the TV. The Asian salesman said, "We don't sell to Lebs."
Even more angry, the Leb went home, shaved, put on a dress and makeup and entered the store as a woman. He asked the Asian again, but got the same answer. Puzzled, he told the Asian salesman, "I've changed my disguise three times and gone to a different salesman. How did you know I was Lebanese?"
To which the Asian replied, "Sir, this is a microwave."

"Stationary shop moves".....

I went to my local supermarket and they offered me a 'bag for life'. I said, "No thanks, I'm already married."

A man went into a supermarket, got 3 cans of dog food, and walked up to the checkout.
The cashier asks the man, "Sir, do you own a dog?"
The man replies, "Yes I do."
The cashier then asks, "Do you have the dog with you?"
The man replies, "No, I left it at home."
The cashier then says, "I'm sorry, but I can't sell you this dog food unless I see your dog."
A few days later the man walks into the same store, gets 3 cans of cat food, and walks up to the checkout.
The same cashier asks, "Sir, do you own a cat?"
The man replies, "Yes I do."
The cashier then asks, "Do you have your cat with you?"
And the man replies, "No, I left it at home."
Then the cashier says, "I'm sorry, but I can't sell you this cat food unless I see your cat."
A few days later the man walks into the store, this time carrying a paper bag. He walks up to the same cashier, and asks him to put his hand into the bag.
The cashier says, "It feels warm, soft, and gooey."
The man then says, "Now, can I go back and get 3 rolls of toilet paper?"

They've got a special on down Tesco. He's working the trolleys.

Cash4Gold just sent me 350 for a lump of iron pyrite.
Fools.

I went into my local newsagents and I saw that he had put up a big sign saying, "NO READING IN THIS SHOP"
I grabbed 4 bars of chocolate, took them to the counter and said, "Which of these is the Dairymilk?"

Was walking in the Tesco entrance earlier to get my weekly shopping, when I read their motto, 'Why Pay More?'
"Good point," I thought... "Asda it is then."

Good gag for next time you're on an airplane and the fella next to you falls asleep:
Ask the stewardess to borrow her demonstration mask, put it on and shake him awake with an alarmed look on your face.

I went to the Video Shop the other day. I said, "Can I take out Batman Forever?"
They said, "No, you have to bring it back tomorrow."

I get very excited and turned on by women in boots.
Which is why I'm banned, and now I have to buy all my toiletries in Superdrug.

I've just heard on the news that currys can cure cancer.
Well that's definitely one in the eye for Comet, who only sell fridges and TVs.

I was in Sainsburys when I saw the sign saying "try something new today".
So I did and went to Asda.

So Jordan got attacked.
Seriously though, isn't that just like shoplifting a free sample?

Just read a woman's open letter to her car thief in the Metro,
I hate to break it to you love, but if he's got your car, he's probably not reading a newspaper you get on the bus.

I think Volvic represents excellent value for money.
No matter how many times I refill my empty bottle from the tap, it always tastes just like Volvic.

I'm fed up with shops that give false promises:-
You can't buy a curry at Currys
You can't buy boots at Boots
And Superdrug has always been a big disappointment

I was standing in the queue today in Asda and a voice announced, "Checkout number 45, please."
I've seen better.

I got into an argument with this thug in the pub. Anyway, I backed away, but as I was leaving he shouted, "I know where you live."
I was really worried for a while, but it turned out he works for Royal Mail Parcelforce, so his threat almost certainly isn't true.

Marks and Spencers has announced they are in financial trouble. They have merged with Poundstretcher.
They will now be known as Stretch Marks.

All these different shops are getting ridiculous, Toys R Us, Carpets R Us.
There's one near me that sells right angled triangles.
Pythag R Us

Just had an email from Sainsbury's with the subject "Did you know you could be going to the Paralympic Games?"
Is this because I went to Waitrose yesterday? Who's running Sainsbury's now, the Kray twins?