The easiest way to find something lost around the house, is to buy a replacement.

Some woman had the cheek to knock my door and ask me if I knew where the garden centre was.
"I don't work here love, I'm just carrying my new door out to the car", I replied.

I just heard Clinton Cards were shutting down, so I popped into hallmark and got them a sorry your closing card.

Just got my Jewish mate some cologne for his birthday.
HoLacoste.

I've always thought that parenting was in many ways similar to raising a dog.
Which is why i've just left my toddler tied up outside Tesco while i do some shopping

My teenage son is on his 'Gap year'.
He was too thick to get into college, so he's working in the clothes store at the shopping centre.

I sometimes like to go into Asda and buy the smallest, cheapest single item can find.
When I get to the till, and they ask me would I like some help with my packing, I always say yes.

Got this new double bed but it's rubbish and my feet dangle off the end.
I hate stupid people. What kind of stupid idiot designs a bed that's wider than it is long?

If I had a pound for every useless household item or out of date food product I managed to sell to poor people, I could open up a branch of high street stores with an unimaginative name.

Hi, Welcome to Abercrombie.. our sizes are: small, x-small, anorexic, bulimic, and Ethiopian.

I can't wait for the Boxing Day offers in Asda tomorrow.
Like 3 Easter Eggs for 5

I was supposed to pick up one of those memory foam pillows while I was out shopping today, but I forgot.

I while ago I decided to bid a dollar a day on a randon eBay product, just to earn myself a few nice trinkets.
Day one: a roll of duct tape.
Day two: a pair of furry handcuffs.
Day three: an industrial shovel.
...I'm going to stop this now before I end up on every FBI list ever.

There's no need to go panic buying.
You can create panic absolutely free by dressing up as a Paki and wearing a rucksack on the London Underground.

I bought a picture of the Virgin Mary off eBay today and it has an uncanny
resemblance to a piece of Pepperoni Pizza.

Decided to try out one of these half marathons to get fit.
So I went shopping with the wife.

I've just noticed that lots of black people work at my local steel factory.

I was in a shop the other day and the girl behind the counter said: can you come on this till please. So I did

daily mail- 10 pounds off your shopping at waitrose.
excellent a pint of milk will be 99p

I was in the supermarket the other day and I saw this sign that said '2 for 1'
I thought to myself "ooh, trouble in the musketeers!"

Poundland. The shop for people who think Lidl's is too expensive.

Argos: The shop which has got everything in it, but you're not allowed to see it.

Shops: Instantly de-value your business by adding the letters "4U" in your shop name

I bought some Greek olives in Tescos today. They were on special offer: Buy 1, Give half back.

Just reading the reprint of the first ever news of the world from 1843 and have to say the news is very different than today's current affairs.
However i did notice the same old adverts.
DFS sale starts today