Children in need... A polite way of being asked "give me your money" by black kids
If Children In Need really did make a difference then I doubt we would need to keep having it every year.
Stood outside Tesco with sign saying 'Help for Heroes'; in 15 minutes I had enough money for a box of them and some Quality Street.
Yesterday, I was kicked out of Oxfam for puffing Marlboros.
It appears there's not much demand for second-hand smoke.
"From just 2 a month you can help change someone's life."
Well, it worked for Joe McElderry....
Children in need: two of the ten beds are empty because they cant afford to keep them open.
So what did you do with the 39 million raised last year?
My parents died tragically when doing a charity bungee jump, raising money for orphans.
19 to help an old person at Christmas! I could save a snow leopard for 3!!!!
I feel quite sorry for all the British athletes who went to Africa to make films for Sport Relief.
It must be really depressing for them to realise that even starving AIDS victims with no shoes are better at running than them.
I've decided to "Do Something Funny for Money"
I pushed a Spastic over and knicked his pocket money.
I haven't laughed so much in ages.
I can't give away my old clothes to the poor. They have enough to put up with without the add humiliation of wearing last season clothes.
Whenever charity collectors knock on my door I just can't say no...
That's why I slam the door in their face.
I'm sorry, but if JLS and Lemar are too selfish to send money home, I don't see why I should feel guilty.
Just seen that advert about deaf and blind children.
Just 3 a month can bring a blind and deaf child into the world.
But it took me 10 worth of bricks, a body bag and a lake to take mine out of this world.
I've just seen Susan Boyle singing on "Sport Relief".
Singing isn't very sporty is it? Surely more people would pay up to see her try the Hurdles or something?
Whoever came up with the charity "Computers For Africa" clearly misunderstood the meaning of an Apple a day.
I phoned the BBC and asked if Pudsey Bear could give me a donation, I said, "My legs are totally usless, I find it difficult to string a coherent sentence together and find it really hard to keep my food and drink down!"
They said, "To qualify for a grant we need to know how the money will be used?"
I said "It's for the taxi home ...
... I spent all my money on Stella!"
Manchester United have donated two replica Child Size football Shirts to be auctioned on Children in Need.
Ian Huntley has bid 2 ounces of snout and a phone card.
I just saw this awful video on Children in need. It read:
"Kirsty is 4 years old from Hull, she regularly gets beaten by her father and is a punch bag for her drunk, drug addicted mother. So give us just 3 pounds to make a difference in Kirsty's life."
I can't believe they would do that to a little girl, bringing her up in Hull.
Seeing as it's Comic Relief tonight, i thought i'd do something for money.
I'm going to work.
It's good too see that on the day of the Community Shield, Manchester City are doing their bit for charity and donating to the poor.
Twenty million pounds to Everton for Jack Rodwell.
Phoned up children in need and said I will give 50 quid for the little starving black kid who was an orphan.
Apparently it is not an auction.
Whilst watching Crimewatch earlier, I thought "This is more upbeat that usual"
Then I realised that JLS were on Children in Need.
I have decided to do my bit for Comic Relief this year and so far have raised over 200!
However, is it wrong that I'm doing it by taking bets on how long Jade has left?
I bungee jumped for Children In Need this year and gave them a cheque for TWO THOUSAND POUNDS!