As i sit here eating pringles, watching Concern ads on youtube.
I cant help but think, what do i want for christmas?

Just been arrested for masturbating on my local football ground, that's the last time I attempt Sport Relief.

As I was beating up my 12 year old son when my wife walked in and screamed, " What you doing? Stop it!"
I said, " I gave him 10 the other day and he totally misspent it."
She said," He didn't. He gave 5 to Water Aid and the rest to a Malaria charity."
I said," Exactly. Drink and drugs!."

God must see my fat wife as a charity.
He seems to be giving her body 2 pounds a month.

I think it's so great how easy it is to help charities these days.
Apparently, all I have to do is thumbs up this picture.

A charity bag for 'Kidney Research' just came through my door, Instead of doing the usual and donating old clothes I decided to save them a lot of time and money and left them a little note instead...
The kidneys are located behind the abdominal cavity in the retroperitoneum, The kidneys are paired organs with several functions. They are seen in many types of animals, including vertebrates and some invertebrates. They are an essential part of the urinary system.

I wonder if we'll see Xfactor reject Gamu Nhengu on tonights Comic Relief..

If I had a pound for every time i heard the number on Children in need
I would probably make a donation

BBC1 should explain the concept behind Sport Relief a bit better next time.
I don't think their executives can even begin to imagine how hard it has been trying to crack one out over Gary Lineker and Alan Hansen.

I love children in need, i only watch the really hilarious bits though,
i turn it off when the comedians come on.

After 8 pints of lager, I rang the hotline for Children in Need, and told the lady to get her calculator out, while I pledged a seven figure sum; 5,318,008. She thanked me for being so generous but asked why such an unusual figure. I told her to turn the calculator upside down and consider her own unusual figure.

Hugh Jackman is supporting a poverty campaign, encouraging the western world to try and live on just a pound a day.
He looked really cool in his black limousine and Hugo Boss suit.

I recently discovered that UNICEF don't have a sense of humour.
Apparently it's not funny asking the wee kids with the big bellies: "When's it due?"

I was just watching Sports Relief on BBC1, and i couldn't help but feel sorry for all the black, uneducated, AIDs ridden people that aren't able look after themselves without our help.
Poor JLS and Lenny Henry.

Personally, I think people should go that extra mile for charity.
So while I was in Africa, I helped dig a well an extra mile away from the village.

Just been around this proper poor housing estate with a camera, claiming i was here for the week and trying to find out more information about the local community.
At the end of the week I told them, that in fact I was a secret a millionaire and had a 60,000 cheque.
Needless to say the cheque bounced, but the vunlerable women at the domestic violence center didn't half make my week worthwhile.

Just been watching Comic Relief. I have to say, it was incredibly touching watching that clip with Annie Lennox and those four African brothers - especially that emotional hug at the end. That kid must have got so much out of it. Love... relief... thanks... grief... her purse...

They call themselves the salvation army but they never want to fight you!

I wanted to do something really original for Sport Relief, but just ended up doing something that's been done a million times before.
I changed channel.

I swear, on an African kids life, that I wont be giving any money to Comic Relief.

I'm really looking forward to tonights' Children in Need TV spectacular, although some of the horrific sights and scenes can be very distressing.
Last year, Amy Winehouse and James Blunt's performances alone had me crying and reaching for the Prozac.

I can't believe Comic Relief worked to raise over 74,000,000 for African children.
Don't they realise that they can do it for only 2 a month?

Children in Need? If I wanted to give money to a needy child, I'd take my girlfriend shopping.

Don't let a child suffer in silence.
It's always fun to hear their cries and moans.

I won't be donating cash to charity again. It's all a con. I've just come back from a trip to Africa and the houses and schools are all made out of giant cheques.