My uncle got thrown out of the Salvation Army.
Apparently, when saving young girls from sin, you aren't allowed to save any for yourself!

Comic Relief is coming up yet again.
I hope Lenny Henry does a sponsored silence.

The best thing about pranking Childline is you know you're hurting a child, without doing the dirty work.

Chatroulette wants to eliminate nudity. The two remaining users will have a great conversation.

Why is it that when people paint their face red for red nose day they say its for a good cause but when I paint my face black for black history month I'm labelled a racist?

I've done my bit for Sport Relief this year.
I went to pick my kids up from school in the nude.
Actually thats a lie...I don't have any kids.

I decided to do something good and donate money to one of those kids in Africa.
I think I might be donating too much though..? 'Abasi' just added me as a friend on Facebook.

I'm doing a sponsored 'Procrastination Marathon'. Give me 1 a day each and I'll think about giving it to charity.

I'm trying to watch Sport Relief but my TV keeps switching itself over to Slumdog Millionaire on the other channel.

There are too many people in Africa and not enough food.
Bring back that fine African tradition of cannibalism, and before you can say "Comic Relief", the problem's solved.

My wife wanted me to donate to the WWF and tried to persuade me by telling me a sob story about a soon to be extinct black and white bear.
I'm not going to panda to that.

Cats and dogs will happily drink dirty water out of a puddle.
Yet when Africans do it, I have to donate 2 a month.

Lenny Henry started Comic Relief to help all those starving kids in Africa. Hey Lenny, here's a suggestion to gather more food for those kids. Stop feeding your fat wife!

How has Walkers raised 1million pound for comic relief?
By half filling their bags of crisps.

I refuse to donate to animal charities when I've seen their adverts on TV. If they can't turn a talking dog into a money making machine then they don't deserve my help.

People say the West is decadent but Comic Relief showed us different. 100 can buy someone a basic shelter, so the 58million Comic Relief raised will buy some African warlord a huge palace!

I want to bring awareness to the fact that disadvantaged children from all over the country are being exploited on camera as part of a large-scale moneymaking scheme. Ringleader "Pudsey Bear" is still at large.

Watching Children In Need has made me feel really proud of my contribution.
Without me they wouldn't have had half of those stories about abused kids.

After years of thinking it wasn't anything I should be concerned about, I have finally given in to my conscience and decided to sponsor a needy child in the Third World. She is eleven years old, white and lives in Bradford.

An African child dies from starvation every three seconds.
On the plus side, that's less money I need to give to Children In Need next year.

Some people in Africa walk eight miles every day, just to get away from Lenny Henry.

Children in need.
The time of year UK houseflies get to see all their African relatives on tv.

Wow Lenny, I havn't seen a black man look so good next to Cotton since my great grandfathers plantation.

I had to keep restarting my TV during comic relief.
Everytime they showed a film my TV went black!

I for one am impressed with Jade Goody. In her suffering she has still found time to shave her head for Comic Relief.