I have just lost my job as a Spiderman impersonator.
At least I have my skills as a web developer to fall back on.

I can hack into any computer.
All I need is an axe.

IT support:
"Did you try turning it off and on again?"
"It's half-way successful."
"What do you mean?"
"It won't turn on again!"

Technology these days, eh?
The latest bit of kit my grandma got was acting up earlier and making weird noises, so I tried the good old 'turning it on and off again' method, and when that didn't work, I decided to open the plug up with a bread knife, to check the fuse.
I almost had the plug open too, until doctors wrestled me away from the life support machine.

My computer froze the other day.
That's why I've just bought it some mittens and a woolly hat.

The other day, my mate asked me what I thought of Internet Message boards...
I said I'm all Forum

I was surprised when I read that it is predicted that Americans will spend $1.8 billion on mobile devices in 2015, and decided that those figures can't be correct...
I'm sure apple will sell more than 4 iPhones.

I found my old Nokia 3310 in a drawer today.
It brought back so many fond memories of all the cool features it had, that you just don't get on phones these days.
Like Snake, polyphonic ringtones, and reception.

I don't think I got the job at Microsoft....They haven't responded to my telegram..

I traded in my iPhone today for something useful.
A life.

When Apple update the software on one of their products do they call it an iPatch?

So I hear the PS3 network was hacked and the online mode is shut down.
Well CoD players, this is what the sun looks like!

Elderly couples.
Just remember those 3 special words that still hold you together, the 3 special words that you have used through thick and thin. Just remember those 3 special words...
"Delete Browsing History"

I'm a government agent responsible for the snooping of ordinary citizens' computer and internet habits by the state.
And Windows 7 was my idea.

To be fair, 60p is not so expensive when you stop and think about it. You can send a letter to anywhere in Britain and it will only take two or three days to arrive there.
I mean, it's not as if you can do that on your computer.....for free.....in seconds.

"So, to cut a long story short, it turns out that according to Microsoft's Legal Department, Windows 7 wasn't my idea..."

I feel bad searching for a new laptop on my current one.
It's like telling your wife of many years to find you a sleek, younger version of herself that offers a better all-round performance.

I went for a job at PC World today out of desperation.
The interviewer said, "What do you know about computers?"
I said, "Not much - I can just about switch them on and off, ha ha!"
I didn't get the job - overqualified.

An Italian engineer has been kidnapped in Nigeria.
Demands have been sent via email to his family, but they were just marked as spam.

Our local vicar insists on giving sermons with the aid of his computer.
We end up sitting in church for hours because he's so slow.
I think we need a new service provider.

Today, I was looking for my iPod.
When I found it, the first song to come on shuffle was 'You Found Me' by The Fray. Well played iPod, well played.

Does anyone else here think that it's too much of a coincidence that Windows 8 is set to be launched in 2012?

I've just been fixing my sons computer when I got a shock off the processor. It megaHz.

My computer keeps crashing.
Must be the driver.

If Windows 7 was my idea, why do I have to pay for it?