The way I motivate myself for work is to set my screensaver as photos of my ex-girlfriends.
I never stop working for more than 4 minutes and 59 seconds.
Sky have brought out a new version of their HD box that saves energy by going into standby mode after 12 hours.
It's called a Sky Tasmin Archer Box or "sleeping satellite" as the engineers like to call it.
Like many others, I have been affected badly by the O2 problems this week.
It's slightly worse for me though, because I'm an astronaut.
My wife works from home on the computer and she's getting pretty fat. So the next time she left the house.....
I deleted all her cookies.
I work in Tech support for a computer company, if I was a mechanic, most of the conversations would go like this.
Customer: My car isn't working and I need you to fix it immediately, this is an emergency
Mechanic: Alright sir what seems to be the problem?
Customer: I don't know, I tried to use my car on friday and it didn't work, now it's monday and I need to get to work and I can't and this needs to be fixed right now.
Mechanic: Can you start the car? Can you even get into your car? Does it make any sounds when you try to start it? Are all 4 tires there?
Customer: I don't know, I don't know what any of that stuff means, I tried to get to work and it wouldn't let me and you need to fix it now because you changed my oil 6 months ago.
Mechanic: Alright well what kind of car are you driving?
Customer: I don't know, a green one, why does that matter?
Mechanic: Please take a look at the back of your car and see if there are any letters or numbers that would indicate a vehicle model or manufacturer
Customer: Ok, my car is a SV2 87K.
Mechanic: No sir that's your license plate. My records indicate that you drive a Nissan Altima, can you confirm that the key you're using to try and get into this car says Nissan on it?
Customer: My key says Lexus but I don't see how that makes a difference, I've been using this key on this car for years and it's always worked, what did you do to my car?
Every time I delete an app on my iPhone, the shaking icons makes me think they're panicking over who's getting the chop next.
Got myself a smartphone last week, it's brilliant.
It turns itself off when the wife rings.
I just sent my Gran a dirty joke.
"PMS!" she replied
"Don't you mean PMSL Nan?" i asked....
"No, it's the incontinence kicking in again!"
I just added Bigfoot as a friend on Facebook.
He really needs a clearer profile picture.
I finally decided to get rid of all the people that constantly send me Farmville requests on Facebook.
My wife was fuming when I blocked all 6 of her accounts.
If you want to know how much the Iphone has put you in debt,
Theres an app for that.
"If you can see what I can see, you would have the Samsung Galaxy S"...
Should have gone to Specsavers.
So I was laying in bed with my girlfriend last night, when I decided to 'check-in' using my Facebook app.
It was then that I saw, so had 29 others.
iOS 5 update "Improves voice recognition for Australian users using dictation". I imagine Glaswegian is light years away.
My wife said she's leaving me today because of my obsession with modern warfare 3. Let's see of she can get past the claymore at the front door
The Royal Air Force develops a new fighter jet. It is very fast, extremely agile and more or less the perfect aircraft. Only one problem occurs time and again - the wings keep breaking off.
No matter what the engineers try, they fail to solve the problem. The Ministry of Defence offers a special prize of 100,000 to anyone who can find a solution.
Among the thousands of submissions is a letter from Mrs. Brenda White, 70, of Grimsby. She recommends applying perforations to the points where the wings keep breaking off.
All the experts have a good laugh at old Brenda and try out the other suggested solutions first, but none of them work.
In the end, they perforate the wings at the points where they otherwise break off - and the wings stay intact!
All the experts are astonished and all of them want to know how old Brenda hit upon the idea for the solution. When she comes to the Ministry to receive her prize, the Minister of Defence himself asks her directly.
"Well, you know," says Brenda, "it's quite simple really. Has your toilet paper ever torn at the perforations?"
I just got a new job at Apple but I'm not allowed to use the staff car park.
I think its because I've got a flash car.
I used to get confused by Skyrim...
But then I took a banana to the forehead.
My mate turned to me and said
"-I feel empty and uninteresting, as if I have nothing to contribute to the world. I dont know what to do.."
"Update your facebook status!" I suggested.
Chinese teenager 'sells kidney to buy iPad and iPhone' .... daft bastered he should have just done a survey!
My girlfriend tried an Ipad at weekend. Said it wouldnt fit in her knickers properly.
Iv told her to stick to tampax in future.
I came home from work today and my wife said, "I think I've exceeded my bandwidth."
"Don't worry love," I replied, "I'll buy you a larger skirt tomorrow."
You know you're old when an etch-a-sketch is easier to use than an iPad.
A Swedish commedian just made fun out of Steve Jobs, saying that he was going to have an interactive tombstone called diePad.
I bought a robotic chauffeur who runs entirely on Windows.
He's a software driver.