Everyone should pay their income tax with a smile.
I tried, but they demanded cash.
Robin Hood wouldn't last five minutes in Nottingham nowadays.
There's no rich people to steal from.
I have enough money to last me the rest of my life!
Unless i buy something...
A man has given 1.3 million to his friend after winning the lottery.
That's proper friendship, not like my supposed best mate, palming me off with a lousy kidney.
Anyone else find it funny that the vietnamese currency is 'Dong'?
Just imagine going there:
"I've worked hard for my dong"
"Get your dong out"
"Give me your dong"
"I just put my dong in the bank"
"I'm putting my dong to good use"
"He uses his dong well"
"I only have one dong"
"He supplies all these women with their fair share of dong"
"I've lost my dong"
And my personal favourite scenario: "Now I've won the lottery, everyone wants my dong!"
Just don't tell them to put their money where their mouth is.
I owed some Israelis about 200.
But now I've paid my Jews.
I saw this girl last night and she looked amazing. An American would say she looked like a million dollars.
But being British I thought that she looked like 659,674.12
If I had a pound for every clich I've ever used, I'd be a millionaire by now.
Worth its weight in gold.
Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life.
I can't think how I can ever repay you.
When I was a kid we were so poor,
we would go to KFC and lick other peoples fingers.
When a cab takes you home at night, the driver always rummages around in the change for ages hoping you'll give up and say, "Keep the change."
See how much they like it when it takes you ten minutes to find the door handle.
This woman walked up to me in the park, opened her long coat to reveal she was totally naked underneath, and said "feel free to look down". I obliged, and I was certainly very pleased by what I saw.
There was 20p on the ground in front of her.
To the person who dropped a roll of notes at Liverpool Street...
I've handed your elastic band in to the Lost Property
Was on an American flight yesterday and bought a couple of things from the in-flight bar.
The air hostess said "That's $4.50, we would appreciate it if you had the correct money, if possible sir".
So I gave her some Sterling.
Bankers never die...
They just lose interest.
My wife said "I'm leaving. You know the price of everything but the value of nothing".
"Take the bus love, it's cheaper than a taxi."
A man calls a radio DJ and says, "I've found a wallet with 10,000 inside. There's also a card that says James Stevens, 12 Acre Close, Preston.' " "So?" says the DJ. "What do you want us to do?"
"Would you be so kind as to play the man a song?"
A guy who lives down the road from me was selling his car, he said he wanted 800 for it or he'd take the nearest offer.
So I stood right next to him and offered him a tenner.
Greggs have sold an astounding 1.5 million apple based pastry desserts this month alone.
What a turnover!
I smashed open my piggy bank earlier.
I've just about got enough in it to buy a new piggy bank.
There are more important things in life than money. The trouble is they all cost money.
Last year another 300,000 families fell below the poverty line.
This has prompted the opening of a further 45 Lidls across the UK.
I'm on the Wonga diet. I've lost 50 pounds already.
Just got a text from O2 reading, "O2: Don't forget you've got until 07/07/09 to top-up and repay the 1.00 calltime you borrowed, otherwise we'll have to charge you 0.25 Terms@o2.co.uk"
I think I'll just wait and pay the 25p fee.