I saw a black guy drop a 10 note in the street. I picked it up and after little consideration of whether to return it to him I realised that it was never his in the first place!
Consolidate all your loans into one easily payable monthly installment.
Declare yourself bankrupt.
I've decided to invest in helium.
It's the one investment that always goes up.
You know why 20 notes are always so clean?
Because poor people don't touch them.
I went to the bank the other day and asked the cashier for a statement. She said 'My name is Carol and I work at the bank'.
I gave my son a piggy bank for his birthday, "you'll thank me for this when you're grown-up and getting married" I told him.
"Is it so I can save up and treat my future bride to the wedding day of her dreams?" He asked.
"No son, I just want you to get used to the fact that you're going to end up with a pig that takes every penny".
They say two heads are better than one.
Regardless, the royal mint rejected my coin design.
Remember, Credit card debt is for life, not just for Christmas
When originally entered, the joke was:
Times were tough last year, and on Christmas morning, my son woke up and opened his only present.
"But, but, I wanted a Transformer," he said with tears in his eyes. "This...This is a brick."
"Transformers," I said, "they're robots in disguise aren't they?"
"Well, it's in disguise."
A wife of 40 should be like money.
You should be able to change her for two of 20.
The best way to make somebody remember you, borrow money from them.
15.99 for a T-Shirt?
Now there's a joke.
The Bank of England have announced that it will take "A Generation" to pay off the National Debt.
Well I'm not fussed, thanks to our country's young slappers, that will be in twelve to thirteen years then
Why is there so much month left at the end of my money?
If I had a penny for every time that I thought that I deserve to be marginally richer than I currently am...
Don't get me started on Child Support.
No really, don't get me started, I've never made a payment.
I gave my Son a faceless coin,
He couldn't make head nor tails of it.
I received a bill in the post today from British Gas telling me that my last bill was outstanding.
So I rang them up to say thanks and when do I receive my certificate?
When I was in Thailand, I saw a place where you could eat the brain of a freshly killed monkey for 200 Baht.
I've never been so appalled in my life.
Thats nearly four quid.
I said to wife "Don't put that money in your mouth, it's got germs on"
She replied "Don't be stupid, even germs can't live on the money you make!"
People used to rob petrol stations.
Now petrol stations rob people.
Notice how they have only started to show Wonga.com adverts now everyone has a wide screen TV ?
Presumably it is so they can fit the APR figure in at the bottom of the screen.
I was asked to contribute money to help solve the civil unrest in Egypt, but I suspect it's some sort of pyramid scheme
With inflation on the rise, it's encouraging to see that the fine for pulling the emergency chain on trains is 50, exactly the same as it was in 1962. Thats what I call value for money.